[30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake comes up on screen looking contemplative. It's an unusual look on him.]

Fifty. Five-oh. That's when you get the senior discount at Ben and Jerry's. That's when the numbers come out and say, "Hey, you. You are officially counted as old."

You know what the funny thing is? I never thought I'd get there. I would've bet you the farm that somebody with a name like Crowbar or Joey Butterfly would've gotten me first.

Butterfly like the kind of knife. Not the bug. Or maybe butterfly bandages. I don't know, I never asked the guy. Wonder if if somebody capped him yet.

It's been a while now since I've been back. Years. Lots of things can change. I might not recognize the place. Hell, plenty of people wouldn't recognize me.

[He won't let his face get too maudlin. It gives you wrinkles.]

I'd be bringing plenty back. Same as the rest of you, must be. The people you meet, the things you do... You don't spend a couple years bashing trees with faces out of the road without changing some.

Anyway.

Point is, I'm an old man now, and that means I'm wise. I've been through just about every variety of shit you can imagine, and I'm one of the handful of people around here who's ever jumped a car, fixed a leaky faucet, or cleaned out a rain gutter.

[He spreads his hands.]

So any kind of advice you need - all the shit you ever wanted to know about life but were afraid to ask - now's the time. Shoot.

Comments

[video]

[captainash]

Ah, the glorious half-century mark. Congratulations for lasting that long, even if it's against the wishes of all the Joey Butterflies in the world.

[His choice of words might sound sarcastic, but his tone is completely sincere.]

So, according to your great wisdom, when does chatting with teenagers about cats and travel plans and ice cream go from 'friendly' to 'suspicious as hell'? Thirty, forty, fifty, question not applicable in this crazy place...?

[video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Yep. I couldn't give the bastards the satisfaction. [Blake's the kind of guy who'll stay alive out of sheer spite.]

Depends on what you're chatting with them for.

[video]

[captainash]

That's the spirit. Not like they've done anything to deserve satisfaction, right?

[Except commit profitable crimes, maybe.]

For social interaction and information, why else? ...Wait, no, don't answer that one, that would just ruin a perfectly good day.

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[loveisanopendoor]

Wait, you really get a discount on ice cream when you turn fifty? No way, that's awesome! If more people knew that, I don't think anyone would have a mid-life crisis, I mean, really!

[ It's clear where her priorities are! ]

Okay, okay, oh wise one with ice cream benefits, I'm afraid to ask but I'm going to anyway, why would anyone name their child "Crowbar"?

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[lieutenantantichrist]

You have something there. On the one hand your body's breaking down and you're one step closer to death, but on the other hand, you get a couple dimes off a scoop of Cherry Garcia. It's one of those glass-half-full situations.

[The right place is where.]

Nah, they didn't. It was a nickname, because he did a lot of jimmying windows open to break and enter, and this one time his partner was getting on his nerves so--

The point is, it was a nickname.

[Action]

[wing_attack]

[So he promised no candles, no cake, no burgers, no presents... but he does have pizza. Pizza is good for any occasion, isn't it? Of course it is. So Tobias knocks on Blake's door, holding the pizza, with Booberry the Gligar clinging to his shoulder.]

Hey, Blake!

[Action]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake is a guy easily mollified by food. Hell, when he opens the door he might even be smiling. Or that could just be his beard itching.]

Hey, Tobias.

[He nods at the ghost on his shoulder.]

Hey, ghost monster.

[He waves his hand.] C'mon in.

[Immediately Steve comes running up. She smells friends! And also pizza!]

[video]

[harlequinhater]

Oh man, is it your birthday? Happy birthday, dude!

[There's a teenage boy on screen with a disorganized mess of hair and a buck-toothed grin. He's waving a bit too, to be polite to this new person.]

My birthday was a couple of days ago, but I turned seventeen instead of fifty. Fifty is super old, though! Do they still let you be a Pokemon trainer when you're that old? I thought that Pokemon adventures were for plucky youngsters, usually.

[video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Not today exactly, but it's close enough. Once you get up there the details don't matter so much.

[Blake doesn't know this kid, but he looks enthusiastic.

He's less thrilled about the "super old" part.]

You'd figure that, right? It's weird as hell, getting a monster shoved into your hands by a lady who says she's your mom when she's younger than you. But don't get cocky. Me and my dog can give any brat a run for their money.

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[veggie_vamp]

... Wait, is fifty really that 'old' for normies?

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[lieutenantantichrist]

Is that an insult I've never never been called before?

Huh. There really always is something new out there.

[bylight]

Congrats. You're really showing your age now. What's next? Waving a cane at the children that walk by?

[Ancient man is ancient.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

I could still give you a run for your money, kid. Don't you have a mall to go stand looking moody in?

Video

[a_sin_for_him]

Hardly an old man.

Simply one well aged and well traveled in life.

Video

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake perks up and straightens his shirt.]

I like that way of putting it. Makes it sound more like wine, or one of those fancy cheeses.

video;

[pipers_son]

Fifty, ey? Congrats on not gettin' eaten by a giant angry fish while you've been here! Be a shame ta cut things short, ha.

[Joker is happy for him, 'tho, he really is. Getting old is a rare unexpected treat in his view.]

Ya think jumpin' a car would be easy, 'tho. Just gotta have a good pair of legs.

[ba dum tish]

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[lieutenantantichrist]

If I can't eat them, they can't eat me.

[Yeah, it's great. You get sore in the morning and your beard gets gray. Shit, does his beard have gray in it already?

Blake gives him a long, long look.]

That's the worst thing a circus clown has ever done.

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[ladywithnovoice]

So where's the birthday boy at to celebrate?

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[lieutenantantichrist]

I'm too old for birthday parties.

I might be hanging out at the bar on the corner, though, if you happen to be in the neighborhood and thirsty.

[coolskeleton_95]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HUMAN! I MUST SAY, YOU CERTAINLY DON'T APPEAR OLD AND DECREPIT!

[lieutenantantichrist]

The weird thing is I honestly believe you're not being sarcastic on purpose.

[Video]

[garbagechild]

How do you find people when you can't find them?

_{[Wrath cuts RIGHT TO THE CHASE, apparently.]}

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Now that's one he can handle no problem.]

The first thing you do is put out an ABP - I mean, a message that tells all the other cops to be on the lookout. Then you want to check their last known location and talk to anybody who's seen them lately. You want to establish whether they took off on their own or somebody else grabbed them.

[Video]

[rocketralph]

Y'know, I could do with a little help.

_{[Ralph is reclining somewhere. It's hard to tell but he has a paperback book in his free hand with the cover rolled back. A pencil rests behind one ear.]}

I need an eight letter word for "false dragon". I'm stumped.

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake's able to offer hard-won wisdom for whatever challenge you may be facing...

...or puzzle help. He tilts his head thoughtfully.]

There's Bruce Lee, though I wouldn't call a guy who could kick somebody through a brick wall a false anything.