[30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake comes up on screen looking contemplative. It's an unusual look on him.]

Fifty. Five-oh. That's when you get the senior discount at Ben and Jerry's. That's when the numbers come out and say, "Hey, you. You are officially counted as old."

You know what the funny thing is? I never thought I'd get there. I would've bet you the farm that somebody with a name like Crowbar or Joey Butterfly would've gotten me first.

Butterfly like the kind of knife. Not the bug. Or maybe butterfly bandages. I don't know, I never asked the guy. Wonder if if somebody capped him yet.

It's been a while now since I've been back. Years. Lots of things can change. I might not recognize the place. Hell, plenty of people wouldn't recognize me.

[He won't let his face get too maudlin. It gives you wrinkles.]

I'd be bringing plenty back. Same as the rest of you, must be. The people you meet, the things you do... You don't spend a couple years bashing trees with faces out of the road without changing some.

Anyway.

Point is, I'm an old man now, and that means I'm wise. I've been through just about every variety of shit you can imagine, and I'm one of the handful of people around here who's ever jumped a car, fixed a leaky faucet, or cleaned out a rain gutter.

[He spreads his hands.]

So any kind of advice you need - all the shit you ever wanted to know about life but were afraid to ask - now's the time. Shoot.

Comments

[bylight]

So you keep saying. Prove it and maybe I'll consider respecting you even a little.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Oh, the respect of a shampoo ad model, just what I've always wanted.

[bylight]

At least I know how to use shampoo. [Guys have awful hygiene habits.] And I'd rather be a model than a man who is all bark but has no bite.

[lieutenantantichrist]

My hair's fine! [It is! Just graying somewhat and that is none of your business]

I have plenty of bite. I have more bite than a pack of rottweilers with diamond grills.

[bylight]

[Rottweilers and diamond grills...? She's not even going to touch that one.]

Tell you what. Next time I'm in town, you can show me just how much an old man like you can lift.
But not that Arcanine of yours. I don't need to laugh myself to death.

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Good, cause if she did it'd bite.

The challenge makes his eyes light up.]

Yeah. Real weights, no shit about tossing dogs around.


If you think you can do it without hurting yourself.

[bylight]

I'm less likely to throw out my back then you are.

Better keep some EMT's on hand for you, old man.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Kid, I've been smashing sons of bitches' faces into desks since you were in preschool. I've gotten hit in more ways than you can dream of.

[He cracks his knuckles. The loudness of it may not be a point in his favor.]

And I'm still here.

[bylight]

[Pre-school? Must be another worlder thing.]

If you were in my world, you'd be begging to be sitting behind a desk all day.

[lieutenantantichrist]

If I was in your world I'd be running the place.

[bylight]

Doubtful. You're not a Fal'Cie or a l'Cie.

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Now he's not even trying to get a rise out of her. He is genuinelu baffled.]

A Falsy or a Loosey?