lieutenantantichrist | [30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

[Blake comes up on screen looking contemplative. It's an unusual look on him.]

Fifty. Five-oh. That's when you get the senior discount at Ben and Jerry's. That's when the numbers come out and say, "Hey, you. You are officially counted as old."

You know what the funny thing is? I never thought I'd get there. I would've bet you the farm that somebody with a name like Crowbar or Joey Butterfly would've gotten me first.

Butterfly like the kind of knife. Not the bug. Or maybe butterfly bandages. I don't know, I never asked the guy. Wonder if if somebody capped him yet.

It's been a while now since I've been back. Years. Lots of things can change. I might not recognize the place. Hell, plenty of people wouldn't recognize me.

[He won't let his face get too maudlin. It gives you wrinkles.]

I'd be bringing plenty back. Same as the rest of you, must be. The people you meet, the things you do... You don't spend a couple years bashing trees with faces out of the road without changing some.

Anyway.

Point is, I'm an old man now, and that means I'm wise. I've been through just about every variety of shit you can imagine, and I'm one of the handful of people around here who's ever jumped a car, fixed a leaky faucet, or cleaned out a rain gutter.

[He spreads his hands.]

So any kind of advice you need - all the shit you ever wanted to know about life but were afraid to ask - now's the time. Shoot.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hah. You sound like a social worker. One of the bright-eyed new ones, I mean. The shine doesn't last long.

These people aren't sweet little innocents like you, kid. They're hardened criminals you can't go easy on. A couple go clean, but for the most part? A leopard doesn't change his spots.

A princess has to hold on to her optimism! But I guess that makes sense...if they don't want to change, they're probably not gonna change after they've been caught, huh?

Exactly. With plenty of these guys, getting caught's the only part they regret, and they always think it won't happen again. Those types are all over the place, even in magic kingdoms. You're gonna have to deal with them when you're queen.

Yeah, trust me, I, uh, dated a real sleazeball once back home. Someone like him's probably not changing anytime soon.

[ Granted, you know, she kind of agreed to marry him, like, that day. ]

For the most part, though, it's really peaceful back home! Not much crime or anything, and no one really out to get us, so if nothing else I'm really grateful for that.

That's a lousy thing to deal with, but it's a good thing that you know what you were dealing with. For a second there I thought I was going to hear some "Everybody has good in them!" Disney princess crap.

[Blake trying to do a princessy voice there to aid your point was ill-advised.]

I hope the dirtbag got what was coming to him.

You're royalty and nobody's out to get you? Not even paparazzi, or guys trying to scam you into giving them cash?

Well, I do try to see the good in everyone, for sure! But that guy is just...ugh, I don't think he has a good bone in his body. He was only dating me because he wanted to be next in line for the throne in my kingdom, and he was gonna take out my sister so he could get there faster...like, seriously, the fact that there are people out there who could pretend they love you like that just baffles me.

But my kingdom doesn't have anyone like him in it. Or, if it does, I definitely haven't seen it.

Oh, the ol' marry n' murder. These days that's usually to collect an insurance policy, but it's the same idea.

So, what'd you do, stick him in the guillotine? [He helpfully illustrates by running his finger across his throat and making a ghhhck noise.]

It's sad that stuff like that happens in your world, too...

Oh no, that's just barbaric! If I cut his head off, it'd be gross...all I did was punch him in the face so hard he fell off the side of his boat, that's all. ...Oh, and exile him, of course.

Any world that has people in it has that kind of thing, even if the people are magic or whatever the hell. If anybody ever tells you their world is sweet and perfect, figure out what they're trying to sell you.

Wait a minute. Attempted treason and murder, and you didn't even lock him up?

Nah, it's not like he's an actual citizen of our kingdom or anything, so we had to send him off to his own country for that stuff, but from what I hear, they're taking care of it over there.

Oh, you extradited him. In that case, good on you for punching him first.

[30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

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