lieutenantantichrist | [30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

[Blake comes up on screen looking contemplative. It's an unusual look on him.]

Fifty. Five-oh. That's when you get the senior discount at Ben and Jerry's. That's when the numbers come out and say, "Hey, you. You are officially counted as old."

You know what the funny thing is? I never thought I'd get there. I would've bet you the farm that somebody with a name like Crowbar or Joey Butterfly would've gotten me first.

Butterfly like the kind of knife. Not the bug. Or maybe butterfly bandages. I don't know, I never asked the guy. Wonder if if somebody capped him yet.

It's been a while now since I've been back. Years. Lots of things can change. I might not recognize the place. Hell, plenty of people wouldn't recognize me.

[He won't let his face get too maudlin. It gives you wrinkles.]

I'd be bringing plenty back. Same as the rest of you, must be. The people you meet, the things you do... You don't spend a couple years bashing trees with faces out of the road without changing some.

Anyway.

Point is, I'm an old man now, and that means I'm wise. I've been through just about every variety of shit you can imagine, and I'm one of the handful of people around here who's ever jumped a car, fixed a leaky faucet, or cleaned out a rain gutter.

[He spreads his hands.]

So any kind of advice you need - all the shit you ever wanted to know about life but were afraid to ask - now's the time. Shoot.

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Yep. None of them get to be the one who takes me down.

Right, right. Hell back home it'd be suspicious, but here, if you don't talk to teenagers, you don't talk to half of everybody.

Half? You're being generous. There's so many unsupervised kids around here they could form their own baseball league. Why don't their parents get dragged here more often?

Wish I knew. Somebody has to look out for 'em.

I guess that's what guys like you and me are for. Who'd've figured, huh?

If I had known I'd become partially responsible for the safety of a bunch of kids, I'd have practiced more back home. They could have bothered to check if we were qualified, first.

If that's what we were brought for, whoever did the picking is shitty at it. Kids hate me.

[The edge of his voice softens slightly.]

A few here don't. Weird kids.

Kids can become surprisingly attached to certain adults, even when all logic dictates they shouldn't. Maybe they're particularly good at seeing through people. Or maybe they just have terrible taste in friends.

You sound like a man talking from experience. Got any sticking to you here, getting you to tell them giant robot stories?

If only speaking over the Pokégear once in a while counts, sure. ...But a lot of them are gone, now.

[A shadow passes over Blake's face.] Yeah. They come and go quick.

[He makes himself not be a downer, dammit.] Or the ones who stick around are little feral weirdos you think vanished until you find them digging through your garbage like a goddamn raccoon.

...Okay, that has to be a case for child protection services. Except this world obviously doesn't have child protection services, unless the fire-breathing lizards are somehow supposed to discourage abusive parents.

You'd think, right? All I could do was try to convince him to give me a damn call when he's in trouble. Only other option was tying him to a tree.

That wouldn't have worked. Half the kids around here could probably saw through ropes with their fingernails or any convenient rock. He'd have ditched you within the hour.

You got a point, especially with this one. I bet that kid's chewed through naugahyde.

Hell, I thought being responsible for a city was hard. Why is looking after one kid harder?

Because individual kids can be cleverer than an average city, when they really want to be. That, and they're small enough to hide in places we can't fit in.

God, there's stories about other cops finding kids hiding in the weirdest damn places.

It's hard enough to handle them when half the raising work is being done by magic animals. It's a good thing I never had any of my own.

Aw, but how else can you learn how many dangerous hazards the average house hides, why everything you ever wanted when you were young was forbidden for a reason, or where to best hide Christmas presents?

[30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

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