[30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake comes up on screen looking contemplative. It's an unusual look on him.]

Fifty. Five-oh. That's when you get the senior discount at Ben and Jerry's. That's when the numbers come out and say, "Hey, you. You are officially counted as old."

You know what the funny thing is? I never thought I'd get there. I would've bet you the farm that somebody with a name like Crowbar or Joey Butterfly would've gotten me first.

Butterfly like the kind of knife. Not the bug. Or maybe butterfly bandages. I don't know, I never asked the guy. Wonder if if somebody capped him yet.

It's been a while now since I've been back. Years. Lots of things can change. I might not recognize the place. Hell, plenty of people wouldn't recognize me.

[He won't let his face get too maudlin. It gives you wrinkles.]

I'd be bringing plenty back. Same as the rest of you, must be. The people you meet, the things you do... You don't spend a couple years bashing trees with faces out of the road without changing some.

Anyway.

Point is, I'm an old man now, and that means I'm wise. I've been through just about every variety of shit you can imagine, and I'm one of the handful of people around here who's ever jumped a car, fixed a leaky faucet, or cleaned out a rain gutter.

[He spreads his hands.]

So any kind of advice you need - all the shit you ever wanted to know about life but were afraid to ask - now's the time. Shoot.

Comments

[lieutenantantichrist]

When it's one of those backhanded things. Like if you tell a lady, "Hey, you look nice for somebody your age."



Don't tell a lady that.

[coolskeleton_95]

BUT SURELY A LADY WOULD LIKE TO KNOW SHE LOOKS YOUNGER THAN SHE IS?

[lieutenantantichrist]

You'd think, right? [This is the voice of a man speaking from experience.]

Nobody ever takes anything the right way.

[coolskeleton_95]

PERHAPS THEY DON'T THINK YOU'RE GENUINE!

[lieutenantantichrist]

I'm always genuine! When I call somebody a dickhead, it's because I mean it!

[coolskeleton_95]

WELL, THAT'S NOT VERY NICE AT ALL!

[lieutenantantichrist]

Neither was the other guy! He was a dickhead.

[coolskeleton_95]

SURELY YOU SETTLED IT, RIGHT?

[lieutenantantichrist]

If by settled you mean punched him in the face, then yeah.

[coolskeleton_95]

THAT'S NO WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS! YOU SHOULD HAVE PRESENTED HIM WITH A PUZZLE!

[lieutenantantichrist]

[The way his eyes roll should by all rights sprain something.] Sure, the next time some coked-up son of a bitch is pissing me off, I'll hand him the New York Times crossword.

[coolskeleton_95]

AN EXCELLENT IDEA! HE WOULD HAVE BEEN BORED TO SLEEP, THUS MAKING HIM EASY TO ARREST! [PAPYRUS KNOWS THINGS?]

[lieutenantantichrist]

If he didn't break my arms and legs first.

[Blake had been annoyed when he thought this guy was being sarcastic. Now he is much more disquieting by the undeniable realization that he is the absolute opposite of sarcastic.]

[coolskeleton_95]

[If you only knew, Blake. If you only knew.]

WELL, OBVIOUSLY YOUR DEFENSE STRATEGY NEEDS WORK! YOU SHOULD DRINK MORE MILK TO KEEP YOUR BONES AS SOLID AS ROCK!

[lieutenantantichrist]

Right, win fights by doing puzzles and drinking milk.

[There is a pause before Blake explodes.]

What the fuck planet are you from?!

[coolskeleton_95]

EARTH? I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU'RE ASKING ME THAT...