lieutenantantichrist | [30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

[Blake comes up on screen looking contemplative. It's an unusual look on him.]

Fifty. Five-oh. That's when you get the senior discount at Ben and Jerry's. That's when the numbers come out and say, "Hey, you. You are officially counted as old."

You know what the funny thing is? I never thought I'd get there. I would've bet you the farm that somebody with a name like Crowbar or Joey Butterfly would've gotten me first.

Butterfly like the kind of knife. Not the bug. Or maybe butterfly bandages. I don't know, I never asked the guy. Wonder if if somebody capped him yet.

It's been a while now since I've been back. Years. Lots of things can change. I might not recognize the place. Hell, plenty of people wouldn't recognize me.

[He won't let his face get too maudlin. It gives you wrinkles.]

I'd be bringing plenty back. Same as the rest of you, must be. The people you meet, the things you do... You don't spend a couple years bashing trees with faces out of the road without changing some.

Anyway.

Point is, I'm an old man now, and that means I'm wise. I've been through just about every variety of shit you can imagine, and I'm one of the handful of people around here who's ever jumped a car, fixed a leaky faucet, or cleaned out a rain gutter.

[He spreads his hands.]

So any kind of advice you need - all the shit you ever wanted to know about life but were afraid to ask - now's the time. Shoot.

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Oh man, is it your birthday? Happy birthday, dude!

[There's a teenage boy on screen with a disorganized mess of hair and a buck-toothed grin. He's waving a bit too, to be polite to this new person.]

My birthday was a couple of days ago, but I turned seventeen instead of fifty. Fifty is super old, though! Do they still let you be a Pokemon trainer when you're that old? I thought that Pokemon adventures were for plucky youngsters, usually.

Not today exactly, but it's close enough. Once you get up there the details don't matter so much.

[Blake doesn't know this kid, but he looks enthusiastic.

He's less thrilled about the "super old" part.]

You'd figure that, right? It's weird as hell, getting a monster shoved into your hands by a lady who says she's your mom when she's younger than you. But don't get cocky. Me and my dog can give any brat a run for their money.

Oh man, she still thought she was your mom? That's so weird! I just assumed they would give you an older mom if you were old enough or something. I guess she could have pretended she was your sister too? Though that is still pretty weird.

[John shrugs. It's probably not that important anyways.]

And what kind of dog do you have? Like, is it a dog Pokemon, or did you get a literal dog?

You'd think, right? But its one size fits all. Once you got the power to snatch somebody from another dimension and give them a pet monster, you get lazy on the details.

A dog like this-

[Blake turns the camera to show a Snubbull who is laying on the floor, reading the comics in the newspaper. His voice is proud.]

That's Steve Buscemi. Don't let the pink fool you. She's tough as nails.

[Even when she's giggling softly. Oh Magmarmaduke. When will you learn that you set things on fire?]

That's a pretty weird looking dog. But I guess that most Pokemon are just weird looking versions of real animals, so that is not too surprising.

[There's a small frown on his face as he considers more of the facts about the strange pink bulldog on screen.]

Okay, so Steve Buscemi is an amazing name for a Pokemon, and I have to give you kudos for that. But didn't you just say she was a girl Pokemon? Why would you name a girl Pokemon Steve Buscemi?

[Steve's ear flicks, and her face lifts to look at the camera with a solemnly aggrieved expression. That might just be the underbite.

Blake's voice is sharp.] She's not weird-looking.

[Appreciating the name mollifies him slightly.] Finally, somebody gets it. You have any idea how few people here have even seen Fargo?

I didn't know she was a girl when I got her. She was just some dog a crazy lady tossed at me.

Fargo? All I know was that he was in the Spy Kids sequels.

[John isn't particularly known for having the best taste in movies, sorry.]

I guess I can understand that, though. I just called Blue "Blue" because that was the noise she kept making, so I assumed that was her name? I guess I'm lucky that it's kind of gender neutral. Though dang, I wish I had thought of as good of a name as Steve Buscemi! I'll have to be really careful about naming my next Pokemon.

I guess you're kinda young for any movie that has a corpse put through a woodchipper.

[He sighs.] Hell, it's just good to talk to somebody who's from Earth. Those aren't real common around here.

[He appreciates the compliment to his naming prowess, though he hasn't forgotten this kid called her weird-looking.] You do that, you'll end up with a bunch that're just named what they are. Like calling your dog "Dog."

I call them after whoever comes to mind. Her, it was something about the eyes. But she's still cute as a bug's ear.

[His eyes narrow significantly at the screen.] Isn't she.

Woah, a body gets put into a woodchipper? That's sick!

[He says sick in the sense that "sick" means "awesome," not in the sense that "sick" means "gross." Teens.

Still, he does seem to pick up that maaaaaybe disagreeing about this Pokemon's cuteness would be a bad thing.]

Uh, yeah! Totally cute. Without a doubt.

Anyways, I will try and think of better names for any more Pokemons that I catch. There are so many Earth movie actors and references to choose from, so I don't think I will run out of any ideas any time soon. Plus, it's a good way to honor the Earth and stuff! I miss it sometimes.

You bet it does. It's great. That one's a classic.

[Blake nods firmly, as Steve makes a little aw, shucks motion with her paw.] Damn right she is.

Me too, kid. I've been gone for a long time now. Guess I'm gonna be an old man here. Here's not so bad, but it'd feel wrong to just forget it all. Earth is out there, all the great and shitty things it made, all the great and shitty things that happened there.

It's good to see somebody else who was born there.

[30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

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