[30] [Video] "I Don't Know How Many Years I Got Left. I'm Going to Get Real Weird With It."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake comes up on screen looking contemplative. It's an unusual look on him.]

Fifty. Five-oh. That's when you get the senior discount at Ben and Jerry's. That's when the numbers come out and say, "Hey, you. You are officially counted as old."

You know what the funny thing is? I never thought I'd get there. I would've bet you the farm that somebody with a name like Crowbar or Joey Butterfly would've gotten me first.

Butterfly like the kind of knife. Not the bug. Or maybe butterfly bandages. I don't know, I never asked the guy. Wonder if if somebody capped him yet.

It's been a while now since I've been back. Years. Lots of things can change. I might not recognize the place. Hell, plenty of people wouldn't recognize me.

[He won't let his face get too maudlin. It gives you wrinkles.]

I'd be bringing plenty back. Same as the rest of you, must be. The people you meet, the things you do... You don't spend a couple years bashing trees with faces out of the road without changing some.

Anyway.

Point is, I'm an old man now, and that means I'm wise. I've been through just about every variety of shit you can imagine, and I'm one of the handful of people around here who's ever jumped a car, fixed a leaky faucet, or cleaned out a rain gutter.

[He spreads his hands.]

So any kind of advice you need - all the shit you ever wanted to know about life but were afraid to ask - now's the time. Shoot.

Comments

video;

[pipers_son]

No one ever appreciates my sense a humor. It's a tragedy.

[What do you mean it's his humor that's a tragedy? Nah.]

So I guess that means no more birthday jokes, huh?

video;

[lieutenantantichrist]

You should try one of those stand-up clubs from the 80s, where you stand in front of a brick wall and people throw shit at you.

[He points at him firmly.]

No more birthday jokes.

video;

[pipers_son]

Fine, fine. S'what I get for tryin' ta lighten up the mood!

I guess I'll just have ta find ya a nice card instead.

video;

[lieutenantantichrist]

It's gonna be full of glitter, isn't it.

video;

[pipers_son]

Sir! What a baseless accusation ta make against an innocent man!

[It's absolutely going to be full of glitter.]

video;

[lieutenantantichrist]

If I get an envelope full of anything stupid, I am going to dump you in the harbor.

[You're a monster.]

video;

[pipers_son]

[This is why you don't trust clowns, Blake, come on.]

Y'know, if I hypothetically did somethin' like that- hypothetical, just thinkin' aloud here- ya would have ta catch me first ta dump me in the harbor.

Right?

Re: video;

[lieutenantantichrist]

That's easy.

I'll just bait a net with circus peanuts.

[He is not going to trust his mail for a month.]

video;

[pipers_son]

C'mon now, I eat more than peanuts! I'm a full adult, make proper meals and everythin'.

[One of the few things he's actually responsible about, actually.]