lieutenantantichrist | [6] Action for Violet/Everywhere [Fourth Wall Event]

[6] Action for Violet/Everywhere [Fourth Wall Event]

[Blake is in his apartment minding his own business when there's a flash of light.]

When it fades, nothing seems different for a minute. All's normal and as it should be, everything in its place. After a second, it sinks in. There's something that's been out of place for months, and all of a sudden the feeling of nakedness is gone.]

[He pats his side, and there's the good, reassuring weight of his gun, right where it should be. He takes it out to give it a look over, and it's exactly as he remembers it. He puts it back and feels more himself than he has since he got to this damn place.]

[That's when he notices there's a lot of strange noises outside.]

[Blake opens the door and steps out.]

[He takes a good look at around.]

[He thinks it over.]

Nope.

[He turns around to go back inside.]

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[There is a hoof in his door.]

[Blake nudges it with his foot. That's a bad idea. The solidity of it makes a spark of panic flash through his system. He fights it down with good old anger and denial.]

I don't know how you're doing this but it isn't funny.

[The voice is still a pissy teenage girl's. That's something to hold onto. That's what she really is. Just don't look at the hoof.]

Whatever you're selling, I don't want any.

Edited 2013-06-04 21:50 (UTC)

[ Rarity lets out a frustrated groan and adds her magic to the door. The extra force is enough to make it fly open. ]

I'm selling cold hard proof, darling! [ She stands triumphant in the threshold, panting for breath. ]

[The door wrenches itself out of Blake's hands and smacks him across the face, making him lurch back]

No. No no no. Not happening.

[There's no looking away. It's in his god damn doorway.]

[Blake backs off and draws up in the classic Unicorn! Uuuuunicorn! pose.]

[His eyes are rimmed with white, but he forces his voice steady and sane.]

The world may be a crock of shit, but there's things I know for sure: the sky is blue, the Mets suck, and there's no such fucking thing as unicorns.

Oh yes there IS! [ Rarity walks right up to him and stares him in the face. ] Are you done?

[There is a horse glaring up at his face. It is yelling at him. It has a horn.]

[Blake looks away. He looks back.]

...horse breath.

[Still there. Still glaring. Still horn.]

[Blake's head is shaking back and forth without his conscious will.]

I'm done.

Good.

[ She offers a hoof, ever the picture of formality even in hostile situations. ]

Then allow me to introduce myself. Rarity, the previously-former-and-now-once-again-current unicorn.

[Blake's brain isn't getting a lot of input right now, so it's sheer physical reflex that makes him crouch down and reach his hand out.]

[The thing's still there, no matter how much he looks at it or doesn't. The leg is solid and furry, ending in a dainty hoof. He shakes it very, very gingerly, then lets it drop.]

Nice to meet you.

I've lost my fucking mind.

Darling, you've had to adjust to most of the same things I have, including allowing small furry creatures to fight to the ... fainting, and dastardly villains attempting to hijack the weather service. I believe you'll manage.

Dastardly I can deal with. I get a lot of dastardly.

[Okay. He can't handle this. Just don't scream or gibber or anything stupid. Just don't think about it too much.]

Now. Assuming you're real- [holds up his hand] - and I'm not saying you are - aren't you things only supposed to show up around virgins?

[ Oh, Blake, don't try bringing sex into the picture where the ponies are concerned, they'll just get confused. ]

Not quite sure what you mean by that, but we're not exactly rare in Equestria. Why, we're about a third of the population, I'd expect! The pony population, anyway. I'm not counting diamond dogs, zebras, and griffons in the mix.

I mean...[how to phrase this so it would make sense to a purple-haired horse oh god what the fuck is he doing here, don't think about that] ...people who are, you know. Innocent.

What I'm saying is you're neighing up the wrong tree here.

[His expression slips a little. Calm is something he's holding onto very tenuously] Yeah. Can't leave those out.

Why, do you have unicorns at home? ... And involved with the court system? I'm no attorney...

But goodness, I'm not here to pass judgement on you for crimes! I don't care in the least about any of that. I just wanted to show you that I'm REAL!

No. We don't. They're not a real thing, just stories for little girls, and weird cartoons with that band that did A Horse With No Name.

[Blake may be rambling just a little.]

I mean, they're supposed to hang around children and shit. Nice people.

[Blake's one of the good guys, but he knows he's nowhere approaching nice.]

[He rocks back on his heels, trying to keep his balance.]

Horses have attorneys?

Well, maybe we should be visiting those who are less nice and teach them some lessons! [ She smiles. ] Though I find you remarkably more agreeable when confronted with the truth.

And oh yes, of course we do. How do you think we get by when one of us gets in a spot of legal trouble? [ This makes perfect sense, Blake. What about this does not make perfect sense, hmm? ]

[Agreeable, shellshocked, same thing.]

[shakily] I don't need any lessons from magic horsies.

[he swallows] You go to horse court. When you get horse...sued.

[His eyes widen with just a touch of held-back mania]

The problem with the juries is nobody every votes 'aye'!

Not necessarily. [ She looks at him with concern. ] Blake, maybe you should sit down. [ She magics over a nearby chair. ]

[A worried-looking unicorn isn't helping his sanity any.]

[Blake falls back right where there happens to be a chair. He's staring at the wall.]

Got a whole hose society, huh. Horsciety.

Horse jail. Horse police. Horse whores on heroin, but what do they call it?

You're speaking nonsense. I think you need a glass of water. It's what I do whenever I get overly anxious. [ She trots into Blake's kitchen to find him something. ]

[Blake's just going to look at the floor for a while. Nice, reliable carpet. Same old stains.]

[And now a couple hoof-shaped indentations.]

[dizzily] Glasses...are up in the cabinet. Horse can't reach.

[ She cries out from the kitchen in a sing-song voice: ] Levitation!!

[ And returns with a glass of water. ] Here. Drink this.

[Blake half-hears.] The Bible's got nothing to do with this.

[He reaches blindly for the glass in his peripheral vision. He gets the feeling looking straight at how the horse is carrying it would be a bad idea.]

[Blake glugs it down. Too bad it's just water. He could use something a lot stronger. He'd worry about there being anything funny in it if he weren't halfway to the farm already. Can't exactly get worse.]

[He sets the empty glass down on the nearest horizontal surface. Turns out to by the horse's back.]

[ Rarity flips the empty glass off her back and catches it with her magic, then sets it down on the floor. ]

Levitation, dear. Unicorn magic. Are you feeling any better? Is there something else I can get you?

[Blake does his very, very best not to see that.]

Unicorn magic isn't gonna help.

[He's been looking steadfastly at a nice, reliable spot on the wall. Slowly, carefully, he lets his eyes slide over. Purple tail. Two legs. Four legs. Purple mane. Head. Big blue eyes, eyelashes. Horn.]

[Very cautiously, he tries reaching out to touch her head. Just to see if it'll really be there,]

[ Rarity lets him, frowning a little bit. This isn't exactly ladylike to allow this, but she wants him to accept that she is a graceful unicorn. ]

Satisfied?

[His fingers are resting on something solid. It doesn't shock or burn him. Blake has a very coherent, intelligent conclusion.]

Huh.

Kinda furry.

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