lieutenantantichrist | [3] Video/Action for Violet City

[The camera is pointed at a Munna sitting on a picnic table. It stares back with serene, unblinking eyes.]

[It turns to show Blake, who has strain showing around his eyes and does not look real fucking happy.]

I have this aardvark piggy bank thing and it doesn't make any sense.

Whenever I let the damn thing out, it keeps floating off and then coming back in the middle of the night and chewing on my head. It's-- [his eyes avoid looking directly into the screen] It's goddamn weird.

[There's something else, but he can't go announcing it. The last thing he needs is people thinking he's a nut.]

Does anybody know anything about these things? The phone doesn't say much useful- [he breaks off and shouts offscreen] Hey! Get out of there!

[The phone is tossed down on the table. Sideways, the screen shows the Munna diving into Blake's backpack where it's sitting on the bench. Cheerfully ignoring Blake swearing at it and trying to grab it, it scatters things all over the place with its stubby legs until it finds what it was looking for. It floats up with a spoon floating in front of its face.]

[It stares straight at Blake as the spoon bends at a ninety-degree angle.]

[Blake growls at it] And stop doing that!

[The spoon unbends itself.]

[Blake crosses his arms and nods firmly.] That's better.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Blake's annoyed that he agrees with him on that one.]

Oh, christ, another alien. You know what? Fine. I'm not even gonna argue. You're teenage bridge monsters from the planet of typing like jackasses. But you speak goddamn English, so just fucking say month.

ACTUALLY, WE LIVE IN STRUCTURES SIMILAR TO HOUSES CALLED "HIVES."
WHILE I WAS ABOUT TO ARGUE THE FACT THAT WE'RE NOT ALL TEENAGERS
THE TRUTH IS YEAH, WE KIND OF ARE.
AT LEAST, PLANETSIDE EVERYONE IS NOT CONSIDERED AN ADULT.
ONCE YOU HIT A PARTICULAR STAGE IN LIFE, WHEN YOUR EYES FILL IN WITH THE SAME HUE AS YOUR BLOOD, YOU'RE SORT OF SHIPPED OFF TO THE FLEET AND NEVER COME BACK.
THOUGH "MONTH" IS A DUMB WORD AND RELATES TO A SOLAR CALENDAR.
I'M GOING TO STICK TO EITHER PERIGEE OR LUNAR CYCLE DUE TO THE FACT WE'RE NOCTURNAL, NOT DIURNAL.

[No matter how many times Blake looks at that, it's still gibberish.]

You're one of those people who gets way too into Star Trek, aren't you.

Try going outside sometime.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT STAR TREK IS.
FOR THE RECORD, I GO OUTSIDE MORE OFTEN THAN NOT.
THERE IS A REASON I HAVE ACCUMULATED OVER TWENTY LEVEL 100 BEASTS.

A bunch of bullshit about aliens is what it is.

Goddamn, what do you even need that many of these things for? Four is enough of a pain in the ass, when one keeps floating around and staring at you and doesn't have the decency to ever fucking blink.

LIKE I HAVE TOLD SOMEONE ELSE...
TROLLS, AT LEAST THE ALTERNIAN VARIETY, ARE CONQUERORS.
IT'S, LIKE, IN OUR GENETIC MAKEUP TO DOMINATE WHATEVER WE DO.
IF BEING ONE OF THE TOP TRAINERS IN THE TWO REGIONS IS A THING THAT I CAN BE
THEN I WILL VERY DAMN WELL BE IT AND CRUSH EVERYONE UNDERNEATH MY IRON HOOF.

You haven't even conquered Earth, so you can't be very good at it, can you?

Martians don't have hooves. Are you an alien or a horse? Make up your damn mind.

PROBABLY BECAUSE EARTH IS NOT A PLACE THAT EXISTS WITHIN OUR INITIAL UNIVERSE.
YOUR SARCASM ISN'T NECESSARY AND YOUR WIT IS ABOUT AS SHARP AS A USED UP CRAYON.

You can't have an "initial" universe, there's only the one. You think anybody'd stick with this one if there was a choice?

Oh, you're a fucking comedian. Don't quit your day job.

IT'S MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOU THINK.
I'M NOT GOING TO BOTHER TO EXPLAIN THE CONCEPT OF MULTIPLE UNIVERSES WITHIN THE CONFINES OF A SINGLE REALITY, SINCE YOU CAN'T SEEM TO WRAP YOUR GRAY MATTER AROUND ANYTHING
INSTEAD YOU'RE OPTING TO DEFLECT ALL YOUR HEAPING SHIT INTO WHAT YOU PERCEIVE TO BE AMAZING COMEBACKS.
WHENEVER YOU WANT TO GET YOUR BIG BOY PANTS ON, DUDE, IT WOULD HELP YOU OUT A FUCK TON AROUND HERE.

I'm not going to go to any special effort to wrap my head around the sci-fi bullshit you and your friends came up with in your treehouse.

Now, you can either tell me how to make this elephant less of a pain in the ass or take a running jump into Fuckoff Lake.

THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM IS SO VERY SIMPLE.
I CAN SEE WHY YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT
CONSIDERING HOW CLOSED FUCKING MINDED YOU ARE ABOUT EVERYTHING EVER.
HERE'S A TIP:
TRY NOT BEING A SCREAMING, GRUBFISTED SHITMUFFIN AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET SOME REAL ADVICE.

Those aren't even fucking words!

Who died and made you king of crazy bullshit island?

THERE WAS A CONSENSUS OVER THAT, ACTUALLY.
VERY DEMOCRATIC LIKE.
I WON OVER THE VOTERS' HEARTS WITH MY SHEER DETERMINATION AND CHARISMA.

I bet you got the asshole vote hands down. Shit, that's half the electorate. You could give them kickbacks by appointing them to your cabinet of idiots who think they have hooves.

THEN MAYBE I SHOULD THANK YOU FOR GETTING YOUR VOTE.

[After a pause]

Fuck you.

[3] Video/Action for Violet City

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