lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hard to say, since I'm not sure how where I'm from would match up, but considering that all the technology's been new to me, I'd say probably.

...Well, guess the fire'd have to come from somewhere. And wood would be a little too big to use for that.

Too bad. Cars are a lot better than horses. They never get moody or try to kick you in the head. [Which is especially a problem when their hooves are on fire.]

Yeah, you can't go shoving wood in an engine, and back home we don't have any magic firebreathing lizards. We have to get creative.

Haa, with my luck if Ferris found one she'd find something else it could do to me...

Whoever came up with them must've been pretty brilliant, though.

Sounds like a hell of a relationship.

[Blake stands straighter with a certain homeworld pride.] Henry Ford. Smart fuckin' guy all right.

[He may not have that exactly right. He looked it up in his gut.]

That's one way to put it.

But Henry Ford, huh? Can't say I'm surprised I've never heard of him, but good for him.

Does anybody here have a damn normal girlfriend?

[He sighs wistfully.] Yeah. It's a real important invention. Transportation around here is all right, but cars are something special. You never see anybody getting nostalgic about fixing up their first horse.

It's not that kind of a relationship, geeze.

[mostly because their respective issues mutually assure that they won't see it as such but]

Not that you'd fix a horse... Ahh, but people get attached to their animals too, you know. Somebody with a horse of their own... They'll grow to care about it.

If a lady tries to kick you in the head for pissing you off and you still hang around her, it's that kind of relationship.

[All right, Blake can see that.] Sure, but it's not the same. And horses, they can drop dead. A car lasts a lot longer if you take good care of it.

It's called blackmail.

[it's more than blackmail]

Maybe. Ahh, I guess there's still a lot I don't know.

What? That's not a relationship, that's a felony.

[On the lighter topic,] Yeah, there's plenty of guys who keep fifty year old cars running like new. You just have to put in the upkeep.

Nah, Sion's just an asshole.

[and also the king, but mostly an asshole

but anyway]

Fifty years, huh? Sounds like they're good at what they do.

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

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