Lt. Carter Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lieutenantantichrist) wrote2015-08-08 01:59 am
lieutenantantichrist) wrote2015-08-08 01:59 am
Entry tags:
[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."
[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.
He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]
Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.
That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.
[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]
It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.
[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]
As of today, the law of the land includes the following:
And, last but not least,
[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]
Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!
[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]
He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]
Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.
That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.
[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]
It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.
[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]
As of today, the law of the land includes the following:
- No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.
- Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.
- You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.
- Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.
- Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.
- If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.
- Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.
- All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.
- Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.
- If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.
And, last but not least,
[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]
Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!
[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]
[video]
Whoever came up with them must've been pretty brilliant, though.
[video]
[Blake stands straighter with a certain homeworld pride.] Henry Ford. Smart fuckin' guy all right.
[He may not have that exactly right. He looked it up in his gut.]
[video]
But Henry Ford, huh? Can't say I'm surprised I've never heard of him, but good for him.
[video]
[He sighs wistfully.] Yeah. It's a real important invention. Transportation around here is all right, but cars are something special. You never see anybody getting nostalgic about fixing up their first horse.
[video]
[mostly because their respective issues mutually assure that they won't see it as such but]
Not that you'd fix a horse... Ahh, but people get attached to their animals too, you know. Somebody with a horse of their own... They'll grow to care about it.
[video]
[All right, Blake can see that.] Sure, but it's not the same. And horses, they can drop dead. A car lasts a lot longer if you take good care of it.
[video]
[it's more than blackmail]
Maybe. Ahh, I guess there's still a lot I don't know.
[video]
[On the lighter topic,] Yeah, there's plenty of guys who keep fifty year old cars running like new. You just have to put in the upkeep.
[video]
[and also the king, but mostly an asshole
but anyway]
Fifty years, huh? Sounds like they're good at what they do.