lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

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Mail? Christ, you must live back in the stone ages. Or in that one shitty Kevin Costner movie.

[Or maybe someplace in the middle of a war. A bad one, if they've even got the lines of communication down.]

Oh, well, I guess I wouldn't really know...

[Just like he still doesn't quite get why announcements -> sports -> chicken?? but that's fine. That rule definitely seemed harmless, especially since it didn't have a punishment set along with it.]

We don't have tires to change, where or...when I'm from, either. Would people like that really have to learn to do that? And is it just boys that can learn, or just boys that have to learn?

[This kid sounds like he's honestly trying and not just giving him shit. That puts Blake in a more amenable mood.]

Ladies can learn if they want, it's just not mandatory.

Look, you know how to...shoe a horse, or whatever from where you're from, right? It's the same idea. Being able to do things for yourself.

Shoe a horse? Why would I know how to do that?

[Emil sighs, sounding a bit more resigned.]

There's...not a whole lot I know how to do for myself. But I'd like to learn... I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

Because you have to know how to take care of your transportation. Didn't your dad ever tell you that?

[Oh, now he's getting it.]

Well, you sound pretty young. There's plenty of time to learn. Hell, whatever you want to know, I bet I could show you.

[He likes showing off his competence.]

Ah...I don't really remember my dad. I was moved when I was little. And anyway, I've never had a horse, I don't think.

Oh, um. That wouldn't be a problem? Not that I can really think of anything, right now...

Oh. [Way to stick your foot in your mouth, Blake. Though "was moved" is an odd way to word it. He'll remember that.] Well, how'd you get around?

[He shrugs.] Running this place doesn't take a lot, and the only other thing I have to do is make frogmonsters thumbwrestle. I got time.

[Emil makes a thoughtful noise, but one that says he's...a little more reluctant about getting into it. How in the heck would you go about explaining all that...]

By foot, mostly? I didn't really leave a whole lot, though. [More upbeat this time!] My friend Nier could ride boars! It was cool, but it wasn't very normal.

[Uh...]

I would have thought that it would be really hard, being in charge... This place is really big, isn't it? And there are a lot of people, both from this world and from others... I know I couldn't do it, even if I was bigger.

[That gets his attention.] Boars? Like pigs? You can't ride those.

[Blake takes that as the kid being impressed by his job, and that makes him genial.] Ahh, it's not so bad. There's not so much in the way of legwork. You just go out and shoot a terrorist out of the sky now and them.

[Yes, he's going to gloat about that forever.]

I'd agree with you if I hadn't seen it. I think they listened to him because he had a tusk from fighting one of them. Maybe it's some kind of dominance thing?

[Blake... He's trying really hard to have faith in you, here...]

There aren't a lot of people like that here, though. I've only really met nice people! What about taking care of them the rest of the time?

Hah. Having somebody's tooth does have a way of getting their attention.

[Not that he's talking from experience or anything.]

That guy isn't around anymore. Don't go trusting everybody that easy, though. Some of the most rotten bastards on the planet get away with it by looking nice on the outside.

[His voice darkens at the end there. After a second, he shakes it off and keeps going.]

You take care of the nice ones by keeping them safe from the nasty ones. Like they say, the best defense is a good offense.

I guess that's true... I'd rather believe people are good though, you know? After all, there are people that everyone says awful things about, but they're actually a nice person!

[Emil would have been an easy kid to kidnap and kill without his powers and friends.]

Not everything is about fighting, though. Sometimes people just need little things done! Like having materials to rebuild a fountain, or getting information from one place to another... Nier was only the leader of our group -- he didn't have a position of power, or anything -- but I think he could have been something more... I would have followed him. He kept a lot of people safe and happier, both in battle and out of it.

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

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