lieutenantantichrist: (I'm there like I always been)
Lt. Carter Blake ([personal profile] lieutenantantichrist) wrote2015-08-08 01:59 am

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]


Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

  • No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

  • Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

  • You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

  • Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

  • Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

  • If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

  • Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

  • All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

  • Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

  • If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!



[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]
stonebones: (omg you guys stop acting like children)

[audio]

[personal profile] stonebones 2015-09-01 01:56 pm (UTC)(link)
[Emil makes a thoughtful noise, but one that says he's...a little more reluctant about getting into it. How in the heck would you go about explaining all that...]

By foot, mostly? I didn't really leave a whole lot, though. [More upbeat this time!] My friend Nier could ride boars! It was cool, but it wasn't very normal.

[Uh...]

I would have thought that it would be really hard, being in charge... This place is really big, isn't it? And there are a lot of people, both from this world and from others... I know I couldn't do it, even if I was bigger.
stonebones: (humming)

[audio]

[personal profile] stonebones 2015-09-08 01:25 pm (UTC)(link)
I'd agree with you if I hadn't seen it. I think they listened to him because he had a tusk from fighting one of them. Maybe it's some kind of dominance thing?

[Blake... He's trying really hard to have faith in you, here...]

There aren't a lot of people like that here, though. I've only really met nice people! What about taking care of them the rest of the time?
stonebones: (your arm is an arm)

[audio]

[personal profile] stonebones 2015-09-15 12:12 am (UTC)(link)
I guess that's true... I'd rather believe people are good though, you know? After all, there are people that everyone says awful things about, but they're actually a nice person!

[Emil would have been an easy kid to kidnap and kill without his powers and friends.]

Not everything is about fighting, though. Sometimes people just need little things done! Like having materials to rebuild a fountain, or getting information from one place to another... Nier was only the leader of our group -- he didn't have a position of power, or anything -- but I think he could have been something more... I would have followed him. He kept a lot of people safe and happier, both in battle and out of it.