lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yes, but it's not you who made him disappear. It was the world. No one leaves here by choice.

[She's noticed that a lot of them had deep ties here.]

The enemy is quiet for now. Rebuilding their numbers. Never underestimate the quiet ones.

There's no way getting his ass kicked didn't help. [Blake believes that, and god help anybody who's ever tried to change his mind about anything.

That warning doesn't ratchet down Blake's cockiness an inch.]

Oh yeah? Show me this "enemy." Hell, I'll make it easier: name one.

You tell yourself that to make it easier to sleep at night?

[She snorts.]

I'm looking at him right now.

I tell everybody that because it's true! I did something that made a difference. When you get to do that, in any world, it's worth talking about.

[Hey if the quiet ones are dangerous, Blake is the safest person there is.

A vein on his neck stands out.]

Then you'd better get your eyes checked. I'm the good guy here.

It also makes you a damn good target.

[She narrows her eyes.]

If you were really a good guy, you wouldn't have forced yourself on to these people as their "president". You wouldn't have tried to draft them. And you certainly wouldn't be making these ridiculous laws no one is going to follow. You're one step away from a dictator.

Good people do things for others. Bad people do things for themselves in the guise of helping others, like you are doing.

Making laws and instituting a draft when there's a war on isn't dictator territory, it's common fuckin' sense. That's what leaders do. If it wasn't for a draft, we'd still have King George kicking us around.

[Is that what you want, Lightning? Some guy in a powdered wig making you quarter British soldiers in your house?]

I'm not getting paid for this, lady. This is all for nothing but the good of Monster Island an the satisfaction of getting the job done right.

I refuse to obey the laws of a man I will never recognize as a leader. No one asked you to do this. Your "followers" may not be as loyal as you'd like to think. When it comes down to it, you're a joke.

[Everyone's laughing at you behind your back, Blake.]

[Blake's eye sparks irately.] I'll tell the same thing I told the idiots who say that about every mayor or president there is: just because you don't like the guy in charge doesn't mean you get to break the law.

[His voice rises. You may have hit a nerve there.]

I'll get the respect I deserve no matter what it takes.

Those laws are ridiculous and unwanted, and you know it. And that admission just now shows how power hungry you are.

[She narrows her eyes at Blake, pissed she couldn't punch him through a camera.]

Might want to strengthen the defenses around your 'office'. You'll never know when I come into town to knock you off that pedestal you made for yourself. I've killed gods and men bigger than you. It'll be cake walk to knock down a little man like you.

[And with a blip, the screen turns off.]

You listen to me-!

[Even as he bites it out, it's too late. The screen's dead, and he left with her threats.

The next while is going to be spent pacing, fuming, and kicking things. Power hungry. That girl doesn't have a damn idea what she's talking about.

He'll show her power hungry.]

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

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