[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

• No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.


• Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.


• You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.


• Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.


• Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.


• If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.


• Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.


• All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.


• Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.


• If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

---

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Comments

[Video]

[bylight]

I refuse to obey the laws of a man I will never recognize as a leader. No one asked you to do this. Your "followers" may not be as loyal as you'd like to think. When it comes down to it, you're a joke.

[Everyone's laughing at you behind your back, Blake.]

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake's eye sparks irately.] I'll tell the same thing I told the idiots who say that about every mayor or president there is: just because you don't like the guy in charge doesn't mean you get to break the law.

[His voice rises. You may have hit a nerve there.]

I'll get the respect I deserve no matter what it takes.

[Video]

[bylight]

Those laws are ridiculous and unwanted, and you know it. And that admission just now shows how power hungry you are.

[She narrows her eyes at Blake, pissed she couldn't punch him through a camera.]

Might want to strengthen the defenses around your 'office'. You'll never know when I come into town to knock you off that pedestal you made for yourself. I've killed gods and men bigger than you. It'll be cake walk to knock down a little man like you.

[And with a blip, the screen turns off.]

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

You listen to me-!

[Even as he bites it out, it's too late. The screen's dead, and he left with her threats.

The next while is going to be spent pacing, fuming, and kicking things. Power hungry. That girl doesn't have a damn idea what she's talking about.

He'll show her power hungry.]