lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

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[Laughter is not appropriate. This is serious government business. Look at this serious dog in serious sunglasses.]

Don't make me set up traffic stops, Heather. I can always borrow somebody's whale.

_{[STEVE YOU ARE THE ONLY RESPECTABLE COMPONENT OF THIS EQUATION.]}

Well, your whale can eat my embers, 'cause ain't no cetacean gonna be able to catch up with my flaming unicorn.

[She is immensely dignified.]

I meant as a roadblock.

[See, he's thought this out.]

Something makes me doubt you'll be able to get enough whales to block off every road in Goldenrod.

It only takes one.

[Blake has this well thought out.]

Besides, think about it this way. Would you want everybody else tearing around in the middle of the night?

If I can join in? HELL YEAH!

_{[No actually she'd be pretty pissed if that happened on her street BUT she could always just go out and battle them and then they'd stop racing down that street pretty quick. It pays to have been here as long as Heather has.]}

[Yeah, Blake walked into that one. He groans.]

Some of us are trying to goddamn sleep, here. What do you have against sleeping?

Sleep is for the WEAK! WOO-WOOO-OOO!

_{[The whoop is accompanied by a Growlithe's howling. And then several other howls. Because, appropriately, she just set off an entire campsite of canine Pokemon.]}

Aww jeez. [Blake groans and covers his ears at the same time as Steve's perk up. She can't resist the crowd, and soon she's yapping and yowling along.]

Now look what you went and did.

_{[NO REGRETS!]

[Heather doesn't stop howling until a big furry orange behemoth starts to actually try and CLIMB HER to howl from a higher vantage point, at which case, okay okay that's enough.]

[Shoving the Growlithe off, she just breaks into laughter instead. C'mon, Blake, did you expect anything different in response to that question?]}

[Steve quiets down a moment later. She cleans her sunglasses on her sleeve. All professionalism here.

Blake tries to shake the echoes of howling out of his head.]

What do you have against law and order, Heather, huh?

Hey, someone's gotta keep this place interesting.

Otherwise guys like you would be out of a job.

_{[This is the closest she's come to acknowledging any kind of authority related to Blake's self-titled position. SAVOR IT, CARTER.]}

[Steve has hopped up and is sitting on the desk. She's in a cheerful mood. Sunglasses rule, and howling is fun!]

Blake's a bit amused despite himself.] I wouldn't worry about that. There's always somebody making trouble, wherever you are.

You been staying out of it lately?

More or less.

It's hard to cause trouble in the middle of the wilderness.

Not enough grandmas around to bear witness to my villainy and clutch their pearls.

Out camping, huh. You could always piss off a bear.

[After a second, he rethinks that and looks alarmed.]

Don't piss off any bears, Heather.

_{[She grins. AW, BLAKE. YOU DO CARE!]}

What?

But then how will I get my scout badge in Wild Bear Slapping?

Just smack a hairy guy and get it on a technicality.

Boo, where's the fun in that?

[He grins.] Plenty.

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

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