Lt. Carter Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lieutenantantichrist) wrote2015-08-08 01:59 am
lieutenantantichrist) wrote2015-08-08 01:59 am
Entry tags:
[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."
[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.
He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]
Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.
That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.
[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]
It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.
[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]
As of today, the law of the land includes the following:
And, last but not least,
[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]
Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!
[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]
He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]
Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.
That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.
[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]
It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.
[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]
As of today, the law of the land includes the following:
- No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.
- Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.
- You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.
- Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.
- Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.
- If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.
- Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.
- All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.
- Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.
- If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.
And, last but not least,
[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]
Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!
[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]
[Video]
Now look what you went and did.
[Video]
[Heather doesn't stop howling until a big furry orange behemoth starts to actually try and CLIMB HER to howl from a higher vantage point, at which case, okay okay that's enough.]
[Shoving the Growlithe off, she just breaks into laughter instead. C'mon, Blake, did you expect anything different in response to that question?]
[Video]
Blake tries to shake the echoes of howling out of his head.]
What do you have against law and order, Heather, huh?
[Video]
Otherwise guys like you would be out of a job.
[This is the closest she's come to acknowledging any kind of authority related to Blake's self-titled position. SAVOR IT, CARTER.]
[Video]
Blake's a bit amused despite himself.] I wouldn't worry about that. There's always somebody making trouble, wherever you are.
You been staying out of it lately?
[Video]
It's hard to cause trouble in the middle of the wilderness.
Not enough grandmas around to bear witness to my villainy and clutch their pearls.
[Video]
[After a second, he rethinks that and looks alarmed.]
Don't piss off any bears, Heather.
[Video]
What?
But then how will I get my scout badge in Wild Bear Slapping?
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