[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

• No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.


• Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.


• You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.


• Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.


• Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.


• If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.


• Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.


• All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.


• Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.


• If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

---

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Comments

video

[islandshore]

Not that I'm complaining, but do we even need tires around here? Most people travel through the air.

Bike wheels are one thing, but car tires? That's kinda excessive.

[But then again, he's not really complaining, if only because these seem a) ridiculously silly and b) tough to enforce.]

video

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake makes an irritated grunt.] It doesn't matter if it's something anybody can use right now. It's about basic responsibility, dammit. It's a rite of passage. How do you know you're a man if you can't take care of a car?

Bikes are a good place to start.

video

[islandshore]

We didn't really use cars back on the islands. Now, boats? That's a different story.

[It's said with a light little laugh, short and sweet.]

But boats usually don't have tires.

video

[lieutenantantichrist]

Well, you know how to fix an inboard motor then, right? It's the same idea. Being able to take care of yourself.

video

[islandshore]

Yeah, I'm decent with motor boats. We usually stick to old fashioned paddling, but for more ambitious fishing tricks, it pays to have a faster vessel.

[Though he cracks a sheepish smile, adding:]

And to think my friends and I planed to leave home on a raft...

[It's pretty silly in hindsight.]

video

[lieutenantantichrist]

See, now that's a good skill to have. It's nice to know we have somebody around here who can handle a vehicle that runs on gasoline and not cream puffs.

A raft, now, that wasn't gonna get you far. You would've ended up stranded and talking to a face on a volleyball.

video - sorry this is late. am out of town with sporadic internet D8

[islandshore]

You really think we're a minority, though? There's gotta be at least some others around who can work with "real" vehicles. I'm sure even those space ships Sora's flown used some kind of fuel.

And sure, that's probably what'd happen, but Kairi washed up from another world during a meteor shower, and it's not like we knew what else was out there.

video - no prob, not a rush here

[lieutenantantichrist]

Wit a minute. You're telling me the little spikey headed kid has flown a spaceship. [Blake has seen a lot of shit these past couple years, but that's still enough to make him skeptical.

And he just gets more confused.]

That girl? She just washed up from sea one day?

video

[islandshore]

Yep, though he's not exactly a kid anymore.

[He's nineteen, but then, that's still young, and he sure acts like a kid half the time. Riku wouldn't have it any other way.]

And yeah, she showed up on the islands during a meteor shower. No memories, no family. Just a kid thrown at our shores from another world.

Video

[fairy_tale_trainer]

I thought American women could do things like changing a tire. And those laws don't sound very professional. Are you really sure you are qualified to be dealing with this? What can you do to enforce these rules?

Video

[lieutenantantichrist]

Some of them can. It's still the man's job, though. You don't just stand there and watch your lady get down in the mud.

I'm a policeman. You see anybody else more qualified around here? Hell, I'm one of the only people around here old enough to shave.

Video

[fairy_tale_trainer]

Well, I haven't been around long enough to see if anyone else would be more qualified, but being old enough to shave doesn't determine if you can lead, and being a police officer does not make you fair or even determine how to run things, they just enforce laws that are unfair, as well as fair laws. I am not saying you're not qualified, but your credentials have some flaws.

ANd what on earth is a movie?

Video

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake bristles as this little girl calmly questions his judgment.] Being an adult is only the half of it. The point is I have experience. I know the real world, and I know how life works. That's more than you can say for anybody else.

[He sighs. He's heard this kind of thing before.] Movie. A moving picture. Like a photo-- like a painting, except things happen.

Video

[fairy_tale_trainer]

Anyone can claim to know the real world and how life works. Most people think they do know that much.

Oh! Like a Zoetrope?

Video

[lieutenantantichrist]

I do know. I've been working the streets for years. You don't get any realer than that.

A who now?

video;

[shuttermouse]

...Those are some stupid laws. [ Says the girl who looks no older than twelve. ]

What the hell is a bromance, anyway?

video;

[lieutenantantichrist]

Too bad. You want to make your own, start a petition.

Hell if I know. It's one of those words some idiots made up, like emoji or vape.

video;

[shuttermouse]

Uhh, that's too much effort. [ She will just ignore the 'laws' and do whatever she wants. :|a ]

Vape doesn't even sound like a word.

video;

[lieutenantantichrist]

Just like I thought. Everybody wants something done, nobody wants to do it. You think I wouldn't rather be sitting in an armchair drinking beer and watching Golduck Dynasty?

[Actually, if he had nothing to do but that for one more afternoon, he thinks he might lose his goddamn mind.]

See, that's what I always say, but that's what you hear from the idiots smoking in bars. "I'm not smoking, I'm vaping." Sorry asshole, what you're doing is getting tossed out on the curb. With your stupid hat, too.

[paopuprincess]

I think I could guesstimate the number of people who will follow these rules.

[You're a weird dude, you know that?]

Also, have you tried bananas?

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake groans.] Give me a break here.

[He is normal. Everybody ELSE is weird.]

Bananas? Yeah, they're good, what about them? [There's a simian screech from the wall.] Shut up in there, I'm trying to talk to somebody!

[paopuprincess]

Monkeys... like bananas?

[Are you putting two and two together yet?]

[lieutenantantichrist]

What, for him? [The monkey yowls.]

You can't go giving these things handouts. Then they'll never learn to fend for themselves.

[paopuprincess]

Are you telling me that you don't feed your pokemon?

[Because if so, she's got a phone call to make.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

What? [The Snubbull's ears jump with alarm.] Of course I do! Right, Steve?

[The little dog nods heartily.]

But that's because number one, they're mine, and number two, they work for it. You don't just go redistributing the cream puff wealth to random wild animals.