lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You really think we're a minority, though? There's gotta be at least some others around who can work with "real" vehicles. I'm sure even those space ships Sora's flown used some kind of fuel.

And sure, that's probably what'd happen, but Kairi washed up from another world during a meteor shower, and it's not like we knew what else was out there.

Wit a minute. You're telling me the little spikey headed kid has flown a spaceship. [Blake has seen a lot of shit these past couple years, but that's still enough to make him skeptical.

And he just gets more confused.]

That girl? She just washed up from sea one day?

Yep, though he's not exactly a kid anymore.

[He's nineteen, but then, that's still young, and he sure acts like a kid half the time. Riku wouldn't have it any other way.]

And yeah, she showed up on the islands during a meteor shower. No memories, no family. Just a kid thrown at our shores from another world.

If he doesn't want to look like a twelve-year-old, he should get a haircut. Hell, so should you. Just on general principle.

[The girl Blake had spoken to had seemed totally normal.]

So some girl washes up with brain damage. Tell me you took her to the cops.

And what's wrong with long hair?

[It's only shoulder-length. And he likes it the way it is. It embodies his... free spirit, maybe? Eh, something like that.]

And as for Sora, I can't see him without those spikes. He's had them ever since he was a kid.

[Finally...]

We were five back then, anyway. And the mayor took her in, not the cops.

[Simple.] It makes you look like a girl. Or David Bowie.

That kid must spend a goddamn fortune on hair gel.

[He shakes his head.] That's a hell of a way to get adopted. Did they ever find out what happened?

Never heard of Bowie, but c'mon. Girls usually don't have this much muscle.

[He flexes an arm to prove his point. Riku's always been on the buff end of things; it's gotta make up for his hair, right?

...right?]

And I guess she's from some world with a castle and stuff and may or may not be a princess. Sora'd know more than I do.

[As used as Blake has gotten to the idea of people who aren't from Earth, every once in a while a detail will come along that incenses him.] No David Bowie? What kind of world doesn't have Ziggy Stardust? It's not my kind of music, but it's supposed to be there. What were the 80s even like without guys with tight pants and stupid hair?

[He waves his hand at the flexing.] All right, all right, I believe you.

[And then pauses.] Maybe not about the castle stuff. You figure if a princess goes overboard, people'd notice.

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

video - sorry this is late. am out of town with sporadic internet D8

video - no prob, not a rush here

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