[video] WRITING CONTEST RESULTS - "A Winner Must Be Chosen"

[lieutenantantichrist]

Well boys and girls, we got us some results. Lemme see here.

[Blake clears his throat with suitable drama as his Snubbull solemnly hands him an envelope.]

Thanks Steve. Third place and one thousand of the weird-ass local money goes to-

[Rip. Unfold]

Number 13, Ryner Lute, with some kind of fairy tale thing about why you should never let a mime run the government.

Second place, with a prize of five thousand rubles or whatever the fuck, is-

[Rip rip]

Number 2, the one about a little girl getting turned into a mime and somehow nobody gets arrested! It's a good day for mimes, and you bet your ass that's never been said by anybody before. That one was by- [Blake squints at the name] The Joker? Does Batman know you're running around here?

All right, drumroll!

[His Solrock rolls around in a circle to approximate it. pattapattapattapatta-- -tear!]

First prize, 7500 pesos and a date with a weirdo, now belongs to Number 7, the long thing about every single damn prompt cause there's always that kid! Nuhnaymi Chee-ack-eye, step right up!

Now, the special categories. Each of these gets their own chance to go bowling with a lunatic and talk about your pet ghosts.

Most Likely to be True goes to Number 12, some household cleaning tips by Kenneth Elm...Alm...Amelie-- Archibald? Hey, Ken, why didn't you ever tell me your name was Archie?

Now, last but not least yadda yadda yadda, we got Funniest. That is Number 8 and its artistic interpretations, by a landslide. Heather Mason, come on down. Hope you don't want the original of that one part back. I, uh, lost it. [In a fire.]

That's it for whatever the hell this was. [Blake leans back with a satisfied air.] Everybody who got cash, it'll get wired straight to your account. Heather, Archie, and Nuhnaymi, give the paper a ring and they'll set up your dates. Congratulations, and all that crap. I'm gonna go get a beer and do something that isn't reading.

[Steve blows on a noisemaker. It goes toot.]

[[OOC: The writing contest is over! The way voting worked is each vote for first got a story 3 points, a vote for second counted as 2, and a vote for third counted as 1. Big thank you to everyone who voted, everyone who participated, and to the mods for a) letting me do this, b) helping me set it up, and c) going above and beyond the call of duty in providing prizes.

lullabytes, enjoymyatelier, and foolishwren, please come down to this thread to pick your NPCs!]]

Comments

[lieutenantantichrist]

You wanna piss off the save-the-rainforest pukes, be my guest.

[This guy versus hippies would be a hell of a sight to see.]

You sure? Cause a bunch of guys hissing at the riot police sounds pretty fuckin' hilarious.

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

Yessss! I'm sure! And dealing with riot ssssquads is beneath me!

[And he'll snap out of his tantrum for a moment.]

And I certainly will take your ssssuggestion into consideration. Antagonizing our local environmentalissssts is something I really should do more often.

[Maybe he can...chop down the Ilex Forest or something. And replace it with houses. Cobra Condos! Yes, that one's going on his list of future plans.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

That's what a lot of guys say before they get a face full of tear gas.

Course, the Greenpeace assholes around here have giant crocodile-monsters, so you might wanna--

Actually, yeah. Go pick some fights with them.

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

How lucky for me that my mask filters out ssssuch things.

[The metal one does anyway.]

And perhaps I will! Their Pokemon mean nothing to me! Nothing!

[lieutenantantichrist]

Is that what that's for? I thought you got in some kinda welding accident.

[Blake makes encouraging gestures.] There you go. They probably won't bite your ass off or anything. Go try it! Maybe stick your head in their mouths.

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

Why would I be in a welding accident?

[He's actually confused by this.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake waves his hand toward the guy's face.] You got the mask for it.

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

Thissss is no welder's mask, you idiot. It's a combat helmet!

[Also it keeps people from seeing his hideous face.]

And I am not sssstupid enough to put my head in an alligator's mouth! What sssort of idiot do you take me for?

[lieutenantantichrist]

Sure, if you're fighting a suspension bridge.

[Okay, that part might be a plus, all round.

...do you want an answer to that question.]

...the kind who tells everybody his terrorist plans and wears a welding mask twenty-four seven.

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

It is not a welding mask and I do not fight bridges!

[He has a wonderful plan to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge with space lasers though.

And he didn't argue against telling everyone his plans either.

Or claim that he wasn't an idiot.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Oh yeah? Then who are you doing this combat with? Kids with paintball guns?

[That'd explain a lot, actually.]

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

At home? With my troops against the forces of the United States government. Here? Against anyone who gets in my way!

[He's not going to address the kids thing. He fought kids in his world. He lost. Both times.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Buddy, if the US was ever at war with a bunch of guys in Halloween costumes, I would have heard about it.

[Anyone who gets in his way, huh. A note of genuine curiosity comes into Blake's voice.] How's that going for you?

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

Then perhaps you should get your ears checked.

[His accomplishments are pretty public in his world after all. Of course, so are his failures and there are a lot more of those.]

And how that's going is none of your businesssssss.

[lieutenantantichrist]

My ears are fuckin' great. I'm hearing a delusional loony loud and clear.

[He nods in understanding.] Not so well, huh.

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

I am not delusional!

[...wait, he meant to claim he wasn't a lunatic either. Oops.]

And it is going fine! Jusssst fine!

[lieutenantantichrist]

[So just a regular loony. Good to know he knows it.]

So you're gonna be conquering Batshit Island any day now? Put your face on the money, make some statues? Wouldn't be a lot of a fuckin' point to those if they had masks too.

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

Yessss, yessss, and yesss! And I don't care if you see the point or not! Every statue of me will feature one of my masks! And I've already put it on multiple forms of currency back home!

[Paper, gold, there's even a Cobra credit card.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake repeats] You have your own money. I bet that'll get you a cup of coffee at a gas station.

What do you say when you flip them, "Call head or snake"?

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

Mock me all you want! It was widely used when the world had no other choice but to adopt Cobra currency!

[lieutenantantichrist]

There are idiots who've been trying to get the whole world to go back to gold for decades. I don't see how you'd have any better luck.

[They hand him pamphlets all the time. He hates those guys.]

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

[Well, that sounds like an excuse for him to ramble about what he did, so guess what? He's going to ramble about his evil plan now.]

Because I destroyed all other forms of currency or rendered them useless. It was quite brilliant really. I treated them with a chemical compound that would eventually ignite when triggered by a specific signal. And in exchange for the tainted currency, we provided the world with unaltered Cobra currency to use for all future exchanges, effectively returning the entire world to not just a gold sssstandard, but a Cobra one!

[And now there's the customary evil cackling at the end of the story.]