[31] [action] [mysterious bunker] "If Here By Now Then Bad Place Be"

[lieutenantantichrist]

[There is a man in a large underground room. It is floored with tile and the walls are set with mysterious plaques and significant mosaics. It is not where he intends to be.

The man stands at a console at a wall that is covered in a sequence of strange symbols. They are echoed on the console's input. He is regarding them and musing.]

Yeah, I get it. [He pushes aside the chair in front of the console and presses the symbol-marked buttons in a creful sequence.] Backwards R, squashed spider, squiggle, that thing from the Led Zeppelin album cover, foot. [He hits the green thing that appears to be an enter key.]

[A red X flashes on the screen, and a lot BZZZZT resounds through the base.

Blake says,] Hmm.

[His hand rests on his chin as he looks up at the wall.] In that case, the answer can only be,

[He grabs the chair, hoists it above his head, and slams it against the console repeatedly.]

FUCK - YOUR - HIEROGLYPHIC - HORSE - SHIT!

Comments

Video

[coolskeleton_95]

NOOOOO! THE SEQUENCE WAS-!!! [Welp, he's too late now.]

VIOLENCES CAN'T SOLVE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!!!

Video

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake doesn't hear him. He is busy using violences to solve things.]

SHOVE YOUR RIDDLES WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!

Re: Video

[coolskeleton_95]

AAAUGGGGGH!!!! YOU ARE SO EXASPERATING!

Video

[lieutenantantichrist]

[He's panting and holding the dented chair when he hears faint sounds coming from his pocket.

He takes his phone out and says, in a perfectly normal voice,] Hello?

Re: Video

[coolskeleton_95]

[Papyrus is not amused.] HELLO.

Video

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake leans back against the console, inadvertently hitting a button with a triangle on it. The machine goes BLEEP. Blake kicks it like a mule without looking back.]

You need something? I'm busy.

Re: Video

[coolskeleton_95]

YOU RUINED THE PUZZLE!

Re: Video

[lieutenantantichrist]

I wish. I barely put a dent in it. The damn thing must be made out of Hercules's ass.

[The console is placidly waiting for the next input, which it is not going to get because FUCK YOU.]

Re: Video

[coolskeleton_95]

WELL, GOOD! BECAUSE YOU ENTERED THE PASSCODE ENTIRELY BACKWARDS!

[wing_attack]

[... There's a bear gently but firmly yanking the chair from Blake's grip, and a kid putting a lemonade back in Blake's hand.]

Take a deep breath.

[lieutenantantichrist]

WHAT KIND OF FUCKIN' ASSHOLE DESIGNED--

[Partway through, the percussion ends. His instrument has vanished. It's been taken by a bear, which would be the kind of thing to get you worked up if you weren't already at the maximum level for Done With This Shit. Then there's something cool in his hand.]

Tobias? The hell're you doing here?

[wing_attack]

I got stuck. There were a lot of... I guess Team Rocket people? Anyway, I cleared a bunch of them out. Or Rachel did, really.

Have a drink, Blake. Having your blood pressure through the roof can't be good for you.

[He almost adds 'at your age', but doesn't.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake's voice has the undertone of cold savagery that can only come from trying to puzzle out a gibberish rebus to make a door open.] I hope she ate whatever made this.

[He has his pokemon with him too, for all the good it's doing him. Steve is over on the other side of the room, contentedly riding the conveyor belt panels around in a circle.

His voice is a little less dire after a sip of lemonade.]

It'll be fine. I'll just die of a heart attack while I'm busy being stuck here forever.

[wing_attack]

[Aw Steve. Having fun?]

We'll find a way out. Process of elimination, right? There's not that many symbols.

[There's probably a lot of combinations, but he's never been great at math.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Indeed she is, thank you.

Blake shoots a look of abiding enmity at the machine.]

What kind of asshole makes you do goddamn homework to get out of a room?

[wing_attack]

No idea. But... hm.

[He pushes a few buttons, and... nope.]

Let's see...

[Don't mind him, he's just going to see if he can get this done. Rachel watches Blake warily. Don't go exploding on her, now.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[He's just going to drink this lemonade and watch critically.]

Go ahead and try, but that thing's bullshit.

/skids in late with starsawsbucks [Action]

[rocketralph]

Yeah well I'll tell ya where you can take your quota and shove it!

_{[Ralph storms in from...a door that has just materialized off to the side. He slams it behind him in a huff and it disappears in a blur of pixels. In a huff, he takes his dinky little Rocket uniform hat off and throws it to the ground. For the moment, Blake's puzzle adventure goes unnoticed because Ralph has yet to notice that this is not, in fact, his dorm at the Goldenrod base.]}

[Action]

[lieutenantantichrist]

MAGIC - WORD - MY - ASS!

[In midswing Blake whirls around to see-]

Ralph? [He pauses with the now-dented chair upraised.] The hell are you doing here?

[Action]

[rocketralph]

_{[Ralph freezes in the middle of stomping on his hat and stares at Blake, owl-eyed.]}

What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here?

_{[It's then that he notices his stump and bed are nowhere to be seen and also there are weird symbols everywhere.]}

What am I doing here...?

_{[He turns to face the door but it's...gone!]}

OH for Nintendo's sake...

[Action]

[lieutenantantichrist]

I was trying to go to the damn kitchen and I got warped here by the Wonderful Wizard of Assholes or something.

[He frowns at Ralph's weird outfit as he sets the chair down.]

What's with the getup?

[rocketralph]

<sub>[Ralph keeps frowning at the not-a-door until Blake mentions his getup. In a split second his frown changes to panic.]

[Uh oh.]

[Ralph turns to face him and tugs his shirt away from his chest as though he's never seen it before.]</sub>

Uh--ah--er y'see I...don't know! Gee, where are my overalls, what a weird day!

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake has seen some guilty looks in his time, but in terms of size and obviousness, this one has them all beat.

Blake gives him a long, long look.]

Ralph.

[That is his start-talking-and-make-it-good voice.]

[rocketralph]

...Ma Wreck-It knitted it for me? The R stands for Ralph.

<sub>[Yeah no.]

[Ralph's shoulders slump and he heaves a sigh as he pinches the bridge of his nose.]</sub>

Alright, alright. But don't go gettin' the wrong idea. I didn't sign up for this. I've been with Team Rocket since day one and lemme tell you it hasn't been easy stayin' on the good side of the law and my boss.

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake stares at him, riddle and door forgotten.]

You're in the goddamn magic monster mafia?!