[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

• No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.


• Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.


• You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.


• Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.


• Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.


• If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.


• Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.


• All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.


• Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.


• If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

---

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Comments

[lieutenantantichrist]

[His taste is great.]

It's a story you have to read. That's different from a regular movie. There should be a way to tell before you get suckered into watching one.

[He could totally think of lazier ideas.]

[esthetically]

...they usually say so on the label, don't they?

[Now he's just sassing you.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Who the hell reads labels?

[esthetically]

...I do, obviously. [He sighs. How are you an adult?!]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Well aren't you special. I bet you don't cut the tags off mattresses, either.

[esthetically]

That's a foolish idea. The information is potentially necessary in regards to a defunct matress; losing that information voluntarily would be a waste in those circumstances.

[He sighs.] Really, how do you think you can be responsible for a nation if you can't be responsible for a mattress or reading?!

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake stares.] Holy shit. That was supposed to be a joke.

[He jabs his finger at the screen.] Leading isn't about books. It's about guts, instincts, and acting fast. How are you ever going to get anything done if you stop to check the damn rulebook first?

[esthetically]

[What is a joke for 400, Bob?] ...well, it's a terrible one.

Theoretically, if I were a leader... I'd memorize the rulebook first. It's only logical.

[lieutenantantichrist]

[This groan comes from the heart.] What are you, a robot?

You can't waste time trying to play by the book. People'll walk right over you and you'll never get anything done.

[esthetically]

That most certainly isn't true. You can still be fair and follow rules without being a complete pushover.

...I-it's just a little more difficult, but perseverance is key!

[lieutenantantichrist]

You sound like every rookie who comes in with the rulebook in his pocket and thinks he knows best how to change the world.

It lasts until the first time they bust their ass just for a crooked lawyer to get their perp out on a technicality.

[esthetically]

...Even in those circumstances there are always ways to stop them, you know.

Were you a cop back at home?

[lieutenantantichrist]

Out in the real world, the guys who think "there has to be another way" get shot while they're trying to find it.

[Pride straightens his backbone.] Yeah. I'm a lieutenant.

[esthetically]

Goodness. I'm sure there's still a way to abide by all the rules without succumbing to injury or death.

[And this is why Rei is a science-fan. Less danger, more play.]

A Lieutenant? I'm actually a little surprised by that--n-not to say I don't believe you! But I'm surprised this world brought such a high-ranking official here.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Sure there is, if you choose an easy job. Cops make those decisions so other people don't have to.

[He'll ignore the surprise and focus on the high-ranking part.]

Maybe this world knew what it needed.

[esthetically]

This is true, I suppose...

Well, it'll be interesting to see if the law enforcement adapts to these changes.