[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

• No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.


• Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.


• You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.


• Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.


• Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.


• If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.


• Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.


• All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.


• Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.


• If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

---

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Comments

[Video]

[endsuffering]

[Oh dear. An American. This can't be good. While Blake talks, Madoka tries to read the document he sent out, half-hearing most of what's said up until the man starts yelling and she needs to cut his sound out.

It's a few minutes after watching that she's composed herself enough to... give feedback? Is that what he's after? She's not actually sure if he expects anything but people agreeing.]

Um... A lot of the rules you added seem... sort-of unnecessary...? And mean-spirited, in some cases... ...And, what makes them official? Are the police going to start enforcing all of this?

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[You say that like there's something wrong with throwing giant flags around and telling everybody what to do.]

Plenty of things that're necessary aren't nice. The world's not all gumdrops and rainbows.

They're official because I say they are, and I'm here with my own police force to back them up. [So far this consists of a little pink dog and, possibly, Ralph.]

((OOC: Good question! As it is there isn't a fully written out version of the document, since a whole legal system would be a big thing to put together, so the general idea is that it's the bones of a sane, basic criminal code. It's not too important to have exact details, since Blake is going to be doing more being a dumbass than actually enforcing anything.))

[Video]

[endsuffering]

[You said it, not her.]

Well- well, no, of course it isn't, but treating people kindly can't make it any worse... It just seems unnecessary and mean to not let people say or just... Talk about what they like or want to...

[She glances from his face to the Snubbull and back a couple of times, until her Purrloin climbs onto her shoulders, sees the offending man and his little pink dog, and hisses, digging his claws into her.]

Ow- Purrloin...! [Angry cat noises go here. She takes a few seconds to remove said angry cat from her shoulders with a wince before replying any further.]

...Sorry... That, um. Where... is your police force...? I mean, where are you?

[She doesn't want to have to worry about some crazy American bullying people around her if she doesn't have to, and as long as he's nowhere near her it'll be easy to ignore him.]

((OOC: Oh! Okay, I thought there probably wasn't but I just wanted to make sure. Good! Thank you! ))

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Sure, there's the First Amendment, but you can't let people go around saying anything. Take the old shouting fire in a crowded theater thing, or death threats. Both just words, but still words that'll get you tossed in jail.

[Behind her sunglasses, Steve's eyes follow the cat. When it hisses, she waves her stubby arm and barks back. There is no call to be rude, citizen!

Blake barks too.] Both of you, cut that out!

[Steve settles down, and Blake crosses his arms.]

Our headquarters is in Goldenrod, but our territory is everywhere.

[Video]

[endsuffering]

Well, yes, there are those examples, but... Talking about the things you like and causing needless distress are completely different! ...Usually...

[Purrloin is even more disgruntled when Blake barks at him than at Steve's presence. He tries to get at the PokeGear from his spot in Madoka's arms, claws flashing, and she finds she has no choice but to call him back into his ball with an enormous sigh for a tiny girl. She does not need this right now on top of this loon.]

I, ah... I see. [Madoka hopes her friends who live there aren't going to be too disturbed by this man.]

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake sighs and softens his voice to the kind of tone he thinks is comforting to children.]

Kid, don't worry so much. I'm not going to have anybody put up against the wall and shot or anything.

[It may not actually be comforting.]