[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

• No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.


• Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.


• You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.


• Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.


• Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.


• If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.


• Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.


• All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.


• Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.


• If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

---

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Comments

[the_pilgrim]

Ugh, that's so....American of you to say. Yeah, hence the emphasis on well written.

All it says is "Miltank". Honestly it's not that different from mooing.

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake crosses his arms.] Why thank you.

[His expression stays stubborn.] These things aren't the same as dumb animals. Right, Steve?

[The Snubbull in sunglasses nods and says snub!]

[the_pilgrim]

That wasn't a compliment.

They are and they aren't. I really don't have a problem with Moo Moo Milk.

[lieutenantantichrist]

I'm taking it as one anyway. [And there's nothing you can do about that.]

All right then. Would you eat one of those cow things?

[the_pilgrim]

Why not? It's not like I'm eating it's face or anything.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Shit, you'd eat a thing that talks? [Blake is kind of impressed, really.]

Okay, what about a parrot? Or a dog?

[The Snubbull's ears jump. She's not sure she likes this turn in conversation.]

[the_pilgrim]

It's still a cow at the end of the day. So long as they're humane in slaughtering it.

Well those are different. You don't eat those on Earth.

[lieutenantantichrist]

I'm kind of impressed, kid. You're more cold-blooded that you look.

Yeah, we don't, and the only reason is because it'd be weird.

[the_pilgrim]

What? You're kidding.

Well, in Korea and China they do, but that's besides the point.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Not a lot of people have the stomach to eat talking cow.

And they don't do that at any of the Chinese places I ever ate at. [His brow furrows and he amends,] They'd better not.

[the_pilgrim]

Thanks, I guess....

I think the FDA is pretty strict about that in America.

[lieutenantantichrist]

I damn well hope so. If some asshole fed me dog, I'd wreck the place.

[the_pilgrim]

I can imagine....

[lieutenantantichrist]

Come on, wouldn't you?

[Not that the kid looks like he could wreck much of anything.]

[the_pilgrim]

I'm not much of a wrecker...uh, sir.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Yeah, I should've figured. [He tries to judge from the image on the screen.] What are you, four feet tall?

[the_pilgrim]

I'm five foot one.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Damn, then some of the dogs around here outweigh you.

And you're just going around on the streets on your own?

[the_pilgrim]

Yes..? Most people are, after all.