[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

• No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.


• Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.


• You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.


• Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.


• Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.


• If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.


• Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.


• All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.


• Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.


• If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

---

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Comments

[soundmind]

...I don't feel like these laws are actually going to contribute to an orderly society. It just sounds like a list of nitpicking.

How would anybody even enforce them, anyway?

[lieutenantantichrist]

That's your opinion, kid. Society's what I say, cause I'm the boss here.

They get enforced the same way as anything else: police.

[soundmind]

[Oh, great, a wannabe dictator. Try to keep yourself from rolling your eyes, Maka.]

I don't think Officer Jenny will give a shit about a little kid not knowing how to change a tire, sir.

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Hey, there's nothing wannabe here!]

Then it's a good thing nobody's asking her opinion. Those ladies aren't anything close to real cops.

[soundmind]

It fits, you're nothing like a real leader.

[lieutenantantichrist]

You got a problem, bring it up in civics class. Us adults have things to do.

[soundmind]

You being an adult doesn't have anything to do your effectiveness as a leader, you're just a grouchy old man that decided to rant about subtitles in your journal.

[And while the adults in Maka's world can act...in decidedly immature ways, they at least never felt like they were entitled to dictate.]

This has already pretty solidly bitten you in the ass, but you should probably be careful about escalating anything beyond public embarrassment.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Complain all you want, kid. The fact is I'm the one who took responsibility and took up the slack, and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

[Well, unless somebody kicks him out. But that probably won't happen. Definitely probably won't happen.]

[soundmind]

I'm not complaining, I'm warning you about being an ass in a public space. Soldiers protect people, even from themselves.

...And yes, I'd consider my rank above a police officer, if we're pulling out honors from our native worlds.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Watch your mouth, kid. [Do as he says, not as he does.]

Your rank? As what, eighth grade class treasurer?

[soundmind]

I'm 17.

[Though she was 15 when she arrived, that's still not eighth grade (what is the eighth grade anyway? Must be something in a regular school is her thought).]

[A sigh, sometimes Maka misses Death City, at least there nobody questioned her status.] All right. This is probably going to sound like something out of a video game, but here goes--two star Meister, over 300 targets taken down, first of my class to forge the top level of a weapon, highest ranked girl in a coed group for martial arts, to name some.

I can show you evidence, if it really matters that much. But I don't think it does, since it's like I said--I protect people, I don't rule them.