Lt. Carter Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lieutenantantichrist) wrote2015-08-08 01:59 am
lieutenantantichrist) wrote2015-08-08 01:59 am
Entry tags:
[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."
[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.
He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]
Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.
That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.
[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]
It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.
[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]
As of today, the law of the land includes the following:
And, last but not least,
[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]
Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!
[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]
He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]
Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.
That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.
[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]
It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.
[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]
As of today, the law of the land includes the following:
- No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.
- Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.
- You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.
- Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.
- Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.
- If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.
- Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.
- All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.
- Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.
- If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.
And, last but not least,
[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]
Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!
[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]
video;
Nobody ever uses goddamn algebra, and they still make you learn it.
video;
Technically speaking, I'm a 301 year old man.
video;
[Blake takes that in stride. He's used to that kind of thing by now.]
You gotta tell me your secret. You don't look a day over two hundred eighty-five.
video;
Immortality, really. Well, technically not, but it's close enough, I suppose.
I still age here, though.
video;
I hope immortality came with a real good dental plan. The hell did you do to those things?
video;
I was born like that. It's not something I can control.
video;
But 300 years, and you haven't learned how to change a tire? What've you been doing with all this time?
video;
I was sealed in a vault for over a century.
[Completely deadpan.]
video;
What, like a bank vault? What the hell for?
[Blake doesn't even bother disbelieving this shit anymore.]
video;
video;
video;
Never has been, either; with any luck she never will be.
video;
video;
video;
video;
But she's pissed off more people than just me.
video;
[The word vault has put him in mind of Al Capone.]
video;
But it's close enough, I suppose. It's a long story.
video;
video;
[THAT'S PROBABLY A JOKE]
video;
Don't argue when you're making breakfast.
video;
I've got plenty of roommates, so I'll keep it in mind.
video;
Anyway, stay out of trouble, lady and otherwise. I've got my hands full enough keeping all these guys in line.
video;
Gotta keep things running smooth, here.