lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That's not sexist. It's practical.

[A thoughtful look comes over his face.]

You have a point about the eggs.

It's completely sexist. Women should be just as capable of changing a tire in a pinch. It's like changing diapers, if only one gender knows how to do it everything goes to hell.

[He might not have had the chance to actually change diapers, but he sure as hell knows how.]

They're tasty eggs. The best eggs I've ever eaten. But a warning should still be issued, for the squeamish among us.

I didn't say they're not allowed to. Just that it's not mandatory. For ladies, knowing how to fix a car is a bonus. [He looks thoughtful, then adds,] Hot, too.

[He winces.]

You've eaten them?

Interest and basic knowledge of mechanics is at the top of the attractive qualities list. Wouldn't making it mandatory for women be a win-win for everyone involved?

[As far as he's concerned, it's right up there with advanced knowledge of military protocols and top-notch cooking. Oh, and having the patience of a saint, too.]

Sure I did. When it's minus fifty thousands degrees outside and you have free eggs and milk at home, why bother going out?

Sure, but if they all know how to do mechanic stuff, what've you got to impress them with?

[There's no ego boost like having a lady get all excited over you for giving her car a jump.

He looks half disgusted and half impressed.]

Damn. That's desperation for you.

Helpfulness in times of great need and a passionate soul, of course.

[And a willingness to sacrifice yourself to protect the planet, but that's not really a practical suggestion.]

Desperation that tastes like a fancy restaurant breakfast, I have to say.

Ahh, those never got anybody laid. [Blake's focused on the important things here.

He's weirdly curious.]

So the monster just let you take the egg? Or did it fight about it?

That is only from your point of view, and your point of view is completely wrong.

[Personal experience that supports his opinion is important, too.]

She gives them to me with a smile on her face. They're like normal hen eggs, not fertilized, so I guess she's not particularly attached them.

[Blake's about to get annoyed at being called wrong when something catches his attention and makes him break into a smirk instead. If Ash weren't on the far side of a screen, he'd be elbowing him right now.]

Oh yeah? What proof you got?

[His smile fades.]

Christ, her handing it right to you makes it creepier.

Really, now. My mother always told me not to kiss and tell, you know. ...Or to kiss and show off the pictures, as it is.

[Never mind that the pictures are completely innocent.]

Is it really that much weirder than a a horse you just beat up and caught letting you ride it for days?

[He lets out a low, impressed whistle.] Daaaamn. And that was with you "passionate soul"?

[Blake doesn't have to think about that.]

Yeah, it is. Giving somebody a lift is a lot different from letting them eat your baby.

My passionate soul, a strong work ethic, and a shared appreciation for machinery.

[Also years of friendship and a broken love triangle, but Ash is not about to destroy his own argument by mentioning those.]

They're not her babies. I mean, the last time one of the boys tried to flirt she supplexed him through a coffee table, that's not how you end with kids.

That last one I can believe. There's not a lot of things out there hotter than a lady who knows how to use a wrench.

[Not telling the details to Blake is usually a good plan.]

I didn't think anything with those little stubby arms could pull off wrestling moves.

Or a lady who sees you shambling in after an all-nighter, smiles, and just gives you a perfect mug of coffee while asking if you finally managed to fix the suit's elbow articulations, for that matter.

[Or those delicious homemade lunches, mmm.]

Surprising, isn't it? She can wrestle, she can play baseball, and she can terrify drunk idiots. If I had favorites in the team, she'd be at the top of the list.

[That's a hell of a wistful sigh Blake heaves.] Now that sounds real nice. Too bad there's no such thing.

[He chuckles.] Funny how badass the little pink ones can be, huh.

There most certainly is. It's just that those ladies are too smart and talented to get themselves grabbed by other worlds.

[Will sing the missus' praise forever, yes he will.]

Not nearly as funny as the faces some trainers pull when their oh-so-powerful dragons get their asses kicked by the little pink ones. Half of them look like they want to cry.

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

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