lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[There are so many things he can comment on, he doesn't know where to start.]

... But what if you're an adult and doesn't know how to change a tire? And how's that important when we don't see a lot of vehicles here?

[Blake is rapidly losing patience, something he didn't have a full stockpile of to begin with.] Then somewhere along the line you must have done something wrong in your life.

You'll need it when you get home. You ought to get at least one useful thing out of all this time here, besides learning what kind of cream puffs caterpillars like.

Mainly because I commute to and back from school back home. Never got a chance to learn how to change tires.

[Not when there's hardware and software things to learn.]

As for useful things I learned here... Budget handling? Cooking? General housework?

[He's thinking of some universal, useful things right now.]

Well then it's high time.

[That sounds like nerd stuff right there.

Blake is surprised to find he has a point.]

Yeah, that's a good starting place. It's the same idea. Shit everybody should know before they move out of their ma's place.

[That's because his family are basically a bunch of nerds.]

Yep! Of course, everyone's circumstances are different. So I imagine finding themselves here makes it a good starting point to learn about those skills.

[Atsuro had a minor head start due to living by himself. Nothing drills in responsibility better than taking care of a house by himself.]

Yeah, there's people from all kinds of places. But everybody should be able to take care of themselves. Nobody else is gonna do it.

[Blake's tone has gotten friendlier as the kid doesn't argue. Nice to see somebody seeing sense.]

[Atsuro might have look young for his age, but if they ever meet in person, Blake might probably see he's an adult.]

Right. Maybe it helps if they ask for lessons or have someone willing to teach them the ropes.

[To Blake, anybody under 30 is "kid." And a couple over.]

That's supposed to be the parents' job, but I guess all parents around here do is shove kids out the door with a magic turtle and tell them good luck. I'd take it up, but I got my hands full here.

[Atsuro's old enough to be a legal adult! (Gods, why)]

I'd offer to teach, but I'm usually pretty busy with my own stuff to go over and give personal lessons. There's only so much you can learn on the go before you need someone's guidance.

Being shoved out is an extreme way of making your kids independent.

You got a point there. There should be somebody around here to show people how to cope with the real world.

[That thought nestles in the back of his head. It's comfortable there. There's a lot of old grudges and magazine clippings to burrow into.]

Yeah, you're only supposed to do that once they're 18, don't have a job, and sit around watching Jerry Springer all day.

Jerry Springer?

[He doesn't know that. If he does, it's probably under a different name.]

I guess so? Unless your family's the kind that doesn't do that. Just pressuring them to get a job every time you eat dinner together.

[It's a cliche he picked up from the internet, among other things.]

You know, the trashy TV show where people go and throw chairs at their family.

[Blake figures something like it has to be a universal thing.]

You gotta push a little, to keep them from getting lazy, but tossing them out with a pet lizard before they're old enough to ride the bus alone is taking it too far.

Ooh, I think I know that. Terry Gringer?

[While some things are universal, Atsuro knows some things under a slightly different name.]

Do you ever think before they're old enough, the kids were trained and studied for that lifestyle?

Close enough. If it had a bunch of white trash getting in fights over who cheated with the mailman, it's the same idea.

[He gestures toward the screen.]

You can't get trained for going out into the world alone before you're ten. If that was possible, do you think we'd all wait until they're 18 before kicking them out back home?

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

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