lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

One person ain't the system, don't take it personal.

I seen an innocent kid with all the brain of a five year old hauled off to jail and beaten to death, just 'cause the system needed a scapegoat and we were poor and different. While the rich, well connected psycho killer kept on getting away with it.

I've got no problem with how things work here.

[Blake's expression gets darker and darker until the words well connected psycho killer make his lips part in a snarl.]

Blame the guys who did it. That's their failure, not mine.

I do. The whole damn state of Florida's justice system failed. And so did Wisconsin's. And Oregon's. And California's. My people have been chased, beaten, and run out everywhere we've been, for nothing 'cept being transient and different. Because once there's a whole system, what one guy thinks and wants to do don't count, it's what the majority wants. The system chews good guys up and spits'em out.

You wanna help people? Then just walk around and help people. That's all you gotta do.

Your "people?" What are you, a gypsy?

[The boy happens to have hit on a sore point of Blake's.]

The system's not perfect. We're doing everything we can with limited time and limited resources. We can't be goddamn magic.

It's a hell of a lot better than wandering around like fuckin' Lancelot and hoping you trip over crime.

Some of us, yeah. Definitely transient. We're side show performers.

The system doesn't god damned work! It's like what's it called, the courts wanna make it a law you can't keep people from different races apart anymore. Great idea, but people are too shitty for it to work well.

You're telling me you're with the circus. And you're surprised people want you out of town. That's not discrimination, that's being sick of elephants shitting all over the place.

[His brow furrows as he tries to puzzle out the rest.]

I don't know if anybody's told you this, but they got rid of segregation a long time ago.

[Though he's met his share of people unclear on that concept. Bring enough drunk loudmouths into the precinct, you hear all sorts of interesting political opinions.]

I said show, not circus. We paid for land outside of town and everything, we kept to ourselves, we didn't bother nobody. But we're different, so we gotta be bad.

Sure, they let non-whites sign up for the military last year, but that's just 'cause of the Korea shit. What else was Truman gonna do?

[Jimmy still hasn't figured out to preface nearly everything he says with 'I'm from the fifties'.]

I wouldn't trust a bunch of circus people hanging around town, either.

[The more Blake hears, the more sure he is there's something weird here. It's almost a relief to hear somebody else around here even knows there's such thing as Harry Truman, but it's the last name he expects to hear.]

Kid, my dad fought in the Korean War. It was over before I was born.

Jesus, did you hear me? We ain't a circus, we're a sideshow! We're just like everybody else, we just look different. But so what? It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us.

Oh. You're from the future that doesn't have flying cars. I hear everything's still just as shitty.

Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. You have a big tent and clowns, what's the difference?

[That actually amuses him a little.]

Yeah. Cars are all on the ground and shit's still shit. Same old, same old. TV's in color, though.

....

[Jimmy sighs and shakes his head. He should take it as a good sign that the guy doesn't get it.]

No. We're people with medical deformities who don't have any choice but to live like gypsies and get laughed at for money. There's no clowns or animals or any shit like that, just us. And we don't hurt anybody but they hurt us, 'cause why not? Freaks ain't people, far as the law's concerned.

Don't give me that crap. The law's the same for everybody.

[Yeah, like the freak he tried to scare a confession out of- that's different. He was a dangerous lunatic who ended up waving a gun around.

He looks the kid up and down.]

Besides, you don't look like much of a freak to me.

Then how come the cops came for us with no reason, and hauled off kids who couldn't defend themselves to beat'em to death?

[Jimmy's got one hell of a chip on his shoulder when it comes to authority and law enforcement.]

I'm lucky. Put on a pair of gloves, you'd never know. But I'm a lobster boy.

[He brings his hands into the 'gear's frame.]

[Blake bristles.] That doesn't happen. Everybody always claims they were just minding their own business when the cops came after them, and it's always bullshit.

[It just might be that Blake has an equal and opposite chip to match.

He's distracted from his a burgeoning tirade by the guy's hands. He takes a good, long look before issuing a verdict.]

I've seen weirder.

Look, just because you're a good cop don't mean every cop is. They dumped his body in a sack in front of our camp before morning even came. He was just a kid, he had the mind of a three year old. He couldn't even fucking talk! And guess what?

They found the real killer a week later. So don't give me that.

[Blake's heard and seen a lot of ugly shit, but that still gets him. Suddenly, his voice is too loud and too fast.]

Then it wasn't a cop, dammit! Cops don't fuckin' murder people!

No it wasn't 'a' cop. It was three of'em. And they acted like it never even happened, after, and everybody in town knew it happened but nobody gives a shit about freaks in Florida in 1950.

[Jimmy sniffles, wiping his nose with a fused hand.]

That's why systems don't work.

[Blake looks like he's been punched in the gut. Can't be...but the kid doesn't sound like he's making shit up.]

Then they weren't really cops. Scum like that don't deserve the name.

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

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