lieutenantantichrist | [24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.

Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.

You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.

Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.

Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.

If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.

Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.

All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.

Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.

If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS]

Exactly! Do humans really not know how weird it is to be drinking this stuff that just.... comes out of one of those animals like that?

A normal cow is one thing, but you don't go drinking something out of something that can talk. It's not right, dammit.

[... Right, sometimes she forgets that the animals here are different than regular Earth animals.]

Even then, it's kind of weird, don't you think? You have water and juices and all these other drinks that humans make up, and then you have people who think that it's perfectly normal to drink the body fluid of an animal. Even the ones who can't talk, that's just...

Really gross.

Regular milk now, you gotta have that otherwise cereal is bullshit--

[There's something weird about this girl's way of talking.] Wait. Did you say humans?

[He looks more closely at her.] You look pretty human to me.

That's because this place made me human. Before I was dragged here, I was a gem.

[...]

And yes, like the rock. But it's more complicated than that.

[Blake thinks very hard about that for a second.

Then he tosses his hands up.]

Sure. You're a rock. I've met horses and wizards and shit, why not?

[There's a pause, then Lapis laughs.]

Wow, you're probably the first person I've met here that just. Shrugged it off like that.

Lady, I walked a beat in Philadelphia for years, I've been here a long, long time. [He gets a strange sort of pride.] Any weird shit you can think of, I've seen it.

... What's Philadelphia? Is it a place like this?

[LOOK, IN HER DEFENSE, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS IF PHILLY EXISTS IN SU'S VERSION OF AMERICA]

[Blake draws himself up with civic pride.] It's just my home city in the best country there is. It's nothing like here. It's bigger and there's cars and shitty Chinese takeout places and lunatics on the corner yelling about how Obama's a secret lizardman.

[He sighs deeply.]

God, I miss it.

[He looks at the screen, as if remembering the girl is there.]

Where're you from, anyway? Rockland?

Hey, you never know. It took a long time for humans to notice we were on their planet where I came from, so maybe those people yelling on the streets are right about this Obama person.

[She's just joking... mostly.]

Our homeworld is just that. Homeworld. We controlled a lot of other planets in and outside of our system, but... [Her grin fades, just a bit.] I don't know what kind of state those are in now.

[They could've been mined dry by the kindergartens, taken back by the natives... any number of possibilities. She didn't really get to check much out before she was captured.]

With all the weirdos out there, there's plenty of places where rock aliens could fit right in.

[Also joking. Mostly.]

Homeworld? You got real creative there.

[Blake nods along, half believing her and half humoring her.]

Right, got it, a space empire. Like the guys in Star Wars.

.... What's Star Wars?

That thing nerds love. You know, spaceships, hot green ladies, guys having glowing swordfights.

[That's probably not going to get through, is it. Blake tries a different tack.]

Look, back on your world, what's the thing all the rock nerds can't shut up about?

[Lapis kind of. Cringes at the mention of "hot green ladies". The only green gems she knows of are Peridot and herself-as-Malachite, so that's... not really a pleasant thought...]

I don't know, really. Homeworld is a lot different since I was last there. And when I was there last, we were all caught in a big war. Not really much entertainment to be had during times like those.

[Blake is used to people cringing when he talks, so he doesn't think much of it.

His expression turns about as thoughtful as it can manage.]

So you've been out away from home even before you got yanked here.

Yeah. For... a few thousand years.

... At least I think it was a few. It's hard to keep track of time when you're stuck in an inanimate object.

What, did a girlfriend throw you in a bank vault, too?

[He's already heard that from somebody else today.]

[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

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