[27] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "I'm Too Muscular. I Would Be a Bear."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[VIDEO]

[The face on the screen looks irritated. Also notably hairier. Maybe he just hasn't shaven in a while.]

So I go to walk around a while, I come back into town to get a shower and some socks, and I get bit by a bear with butterfly wings.

What the hell have you people been doing without me?

Steve isn't even much help. She spent three minutes beating the thing up and twenty coming up with the name Butterfring.

[He scratches his neck and winces. His nails need a trim.]

Point is, I need to know where you can go around here to get a rabies shot.


[ACTION OPTION 1]

[Not long after the broadcast, Blake has forgotten about the shot and put his attention to something more pressing: he is hungry as hell. He goes to a cafe and starts out by ordering some coffee and an omelette. At first he's annoyed by how the waiter gives his hairy arm a funny look (he's been out in the wilderness for a while here, buddy, there's not a lot of chances to clean up), it turns out it's so damn good he gets some more.

The maple syrup on the pancakes doesn't taste right. Must be cheap artificial crap. He gets honey instead.

Soon he's not bothering with ordering things one at a time. Soon he's not bothering with a fork.

He's shoveling pancakes, bacon, and sausage in his mouth with his bare claws, and he doesn't give a damn about anybody who's staring. It's goddamn delicious and he's hungry.]


[ACTION OPTION 2]

[Full. Was good. Tired now. Needs a nap.

Shoes didn't fit right. Took them off, stuck them in his bag. Toenails need a trim too. Ground under his feet feels better. Shirt fits funny, too. He scratches his shoulder, and looks. Thick, dark hair. Furry. Something not right about that. He'll deal with it tomorrow.

He lumbers down the street. Cold out here. Bright. He doesn't want a hotel. Chintzy, chatty. They smell like Lysolrock. He wants something that smells earthy. Nice and dim, quiet. Low. Someplace you can curl up.

Like there. Shadowy safe place. Smells like wood and roots. Gotta lean down and crawl under, but then it's nice. Cozy. Blake rests his head on his paws and shuts his eyes for a minute.

He is not aware that this happens to be under Roy Mustang's porch.]

Comments

[Voice]

[foolishwren]

_{[Heather doesn't usually reply with audio only... how odd!]}

Good news: you won't need a rabies shot.

Bad news: you might need a LOT of shaving cream.

[Voice]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Odd indeed. A lot of people seem to be opting for using the phone the old-fashioned way.

Blake's voice gets troubled and suspicious.] Heather. What do you know?

[Voice]

[foolishwren]

<sub>[SHE DOESN'T USUALLY SOUND HESITANT ON THE PHONE WITH HIM.]

[BUT TODAY SHE DOES.]</sub>

You, uh.

Might wind up having a pretty bad hair day.

[Voice]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Heather.

[It's the low growl of something you wouldn't want to find pawing at your cooler in the woods in the middle of the night.]

I'm not in the mood to fool around.

[Voice]

[foolishwren]

_{[... Yeep.]}

Okay... okay... fine, no foolin'...

<sub>[She sighs heavily... then turns the camera on.]

[The mop of scraggly blond hair is the same... but not much else is.]

[Scarlet eyes, a little cinnabar nose, and speckled yellow-and-white fur peer disgruntledly at Blake from the screen-- and at the top, slightly off-camera, are what seem to be a pair of ENORMOUS ears poking out of her hair.]

[She gives him a dour stare.]

[She dares him to make a 'What does the fox say' joke.]</sub>

[Voice to Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[For an instant Blake thinks she's pointed the camera toward one of her animals.

Then he notices those very human eyes.

The next thing she'll hear is,] Aw, shit.

[It's only fair to turn the video on from his end, too.

What appears is a disgruntled, dejected hulk of a bearman. His beard and hair are now lost in thick fur.]

Not you too.

[And he dares her to say anything about being fuzzy wuzzy.]

[Video]

[foolishwren]

_{[... OH WOW HOLY SHIT. He's farther along than she'd have expected. Her ears splay out to the sides in surprise. Still, her tone is resigned when she speaks.]}

Yep.

Me too.

I got chased by a big Murkrow with a fox head.

And wellp.

Here I am.

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[His face falls.] So we're both freaks.

You wanna run off and join the circus?

[Video]

[foolishwren]

It's a very real possibility.

I have connections.

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Yeah. We can just live in a goddamn tent by the rigged games.

[He heaves a heavy sigh.]

I'm stuck being a monster and you're stuck being adorable.

[Video]

[foolishwren]

_{[A snort.]}

Have you seen these ears? I'm not adorable, I'm ridiculous.

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Face it, Heather. You're orange and fuzzy. You're cute as a goddamn bug's ear, and you're just gonna have to live with it.

[Video]

[foolishwren]

<sub>[Her eyes widen and her ears stand straight up, in outrage. HOW DARE.]

[Her fur frizzles.]</sub>

We'll see who's cute the next time I clock ya in the FACE!

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake's face holds very still.]

You're getting poofy.

[Video]

[foolishwren]

No, I am not getting poofy. It's called hackles and they go up to indicate aggression.

_{[She is getting extremely poofy.]}

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[His expression does not change.]

Like, Pomeranian poofy.

[Video]

[foolishwren]

_{[EVEN HER EAR FLUFF IS FRIZZLING.]}

Blake, you are walkin' on thin ice.

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[He lifts his paws up in a placating motion.]

Hey, easy now. There's no need to get


[A stillness in the air. A moment of delicate anticipation. The world takes in a breath.]



ruff.

[Video]

[foolishwren]

<sub>[. . .]















[ANGRY FOX SHRIEK]</sub>

OH MY GOD, I'M NOT EVEN A DOG!

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Bet you've never seen a bear laughing its ass off before.]

[Video]

[foolishwren]

SHUT YOUR BIG HAIRY MOUTH AND GO SHIT IN THE WOODS OR SOMETHING!

_{[she kind of looks like she's standing in a field of static electricity. not a single hair on her body is lying flat.]}

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

[He just laughs harder.] Can't do that, that's where the Pope lives!

You need a good brush or something?

[Video]

[foolishwren]

I'm gonna FIND a good brush and then HIT you with it!

[Video]

[lieutenantantichrist]

If you do, could you brush my back first? I think I've got some burrs there.

[Video]

[foolishwren]

You basically ARE a burr! A big one, with teeth!

Who am I to break up the family?!