[24] Video/Action for Goldenrod - "Hummingbirds Are Illegal Tender."

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake is at his desk in his headquarters, with the homemade American flag up on the wall behind him and a Snubbull in sunglasses standing cross-armed to the side. You know this is official, because he has gone to the trouble of combing his hair.

He's not in a tie, though. Fuck ties.]

Ladies, gentlemen, and giant bugs, listen up, because we got us a legal system.

That lawyer with the spiky head drew us up a code. What we have there is some real rules for a society. A court system, none of this crap where everybody gets a couple days picking up trash. I'm sending it out to you now.

[Everyone receiving the broadcast will now receive a copy of what, because Blake couldn't figure out how to change the file name, remains stillbetterthanmycollegethesis.docx]

It's a place to start. Now, I got a few things to add straight off.

[Blake clears his throat and holds up a sheet of paper.]

As of today, the law of the land includes the following:

• No more rhinoceros street races at two in the god damn morning.


• Chicken a la King is now to be known as Chicken a la Cosell, on the grounds that he is the superior announcer.


• You are legally required to inform somebody that a glass is full of cow-monster milk before letting them drink it.


• Anybody who uses the word "celeb," "delish," "guesstimate," or "bromance" shall receive a swift kick in the ass.


• Same goes for anybody who who talks about their low-carb diet or their goddamn Crossfit routine.


• If your electric rat knocks out the cable, it'd better be able to fix it.


• Movies that you have to read are now officially classified as books.


• All males over the age of 12 must know how to change a tire.


• Anybody who walks around staring at their cell phone is fair game to get tripped on the legal basis that they are asking for it.


• If you are making a work of fiction, you are prohibited from putting in a dog just so you can kill it to try make everybody sad.

And, last but not least,

[He is interrupted by an echoing, chittering primate yawp that seems to come from the grated vent above the part of the wall covered by the flag. His confident expression becomes a ferocious scowl.]

Somebody get this goddamn monkey out of the walls!

---

[Shortly afterwards, this is followed by an IMPORTANT UPATE.]

Comments

video

[paishodown]

[She honestly can't tell if this guy is for real or]

This list is delish, Blake, I guesstimate with these ideas that you'll be a celeb around the region in no time.

video

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake's eyebrow twitches.]

Don't go thinking the law'll go easy on you just because you're a lady.

[paishodown]

Apparently it does, because I'm alleviated from tire-changing duties. Which is too bad, because I'm faster than a pit crew.

Korra I saw that

[lieutenantantichrist]

Oh yeah? I'd like to see that.

[For once he's not even sarcastic.]

I mean it. I've been hearing so much pissing and moaning about learning a basic life skill, it'd be nice for somebody to show them how it's done.

What saw what who's Korra?

[paishodown]

I don't know if I would call it a basic life skill in a place where people either predominantly walk or ride on Pokémon, but if people actually do want mechanic demonstrations for one reason or another, I guess I could help.

Probably not somebody who can change a tire

[lieutenantantichrist]

Looks like plenty of people are curious. Or at least they just wanna give me shit. You could show them it's not worth bitching about.

Probably not.

[paishodown]

At the very least, some people might benefit from a technical Q&A.

[Sorry, Blake, now she's getting ideas of her own.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

Go for it. Good luck getting anybody to pay any attention. Getting these people in line is like herding cats.

[And that's for an experienced professional.]

[paishodown]

Maybe it would be easier if you were a bit less... abrasive?

[JUST. YOU KNOW. AN IDEA.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

You know what happens if you ask people nice?

They smile and nod, and go do whatever they want.

If you want to get anything done, they have to know they can't screw with you.

[paishodown]

I run a company, I know how people operate.

You just need a little finesse.

[And yeah, okay, sometimes you have to just be an asshole.]

[lieutenantantichrist]

You're still young. You've got plenty to learn.

Like that "finesse" is a waste of time. I've seen guys spend hours trying to sweettalk a scumbag into giving up the details, then it's five minutes of getting tough with them that gets the job done.

[paishodown]

I guess that just depends on what kind of business you want to run. Sometimes you can shut someone down and it doesn't even hit them that they've lost for another ten minutes.

[lieutenantantichrist]

I want to run the kind of business where everybody knows who's in charge.